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Colin and Allison on Relationships, Anger and Self-Awareness

  • 👨 The Better Human Podcast is a show dedicated to the pursuit of Building Better Humans. Hosted by Colin Stuckert, Entrepreneur, Thinker, and Better Human Builder.
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TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Colin Stuckert: [00:00:00] Welcome to the better human podcast. I'm your host, Colin stuckert entrepreneur CEO, father coach growth, minded, and obsessed with becoming better human. I'm here to help you level up your mind, body in life. I want you to become a better human. I want you to wake up every day, excited about getting to work, getting things done, working on yourself, and then making the world a better place around you.

[00:00:23] That's how we're going to change the future for humanity. That's how we're going to solve the biggest problems we have in 2021 and nine. That's how the world's going to become a better place for my sons and hopefully future daughters. The more better humans we have that can critically think that are self-aware the better chance we have at creating a future that we all deserve.

[00:00:43] Make sure you get all the updates over at Columbine coach to get on the better human newsletter. You can also reach them in time. Colin, L I n@wildfoods.co sports show. Head over to wildfoods. And use code wild CEO for your nutrition needs. We have local roasted Austin coffee, our flagship product while cooker Tropic is a great coffee booster or coffee replacement.

[00:01:05] If you're trying to a coffee off as I've been doing lately, obsessively source real food products from nature to support your lifestyle needs, let's get to the show.

[00:01:17] Wow. So why don't you introduce yourself to the audience? Hey,

[00:01:23] Allison Bingham: [00:01:23] what's up. My name is Alison Bingham. I am, uh, well, what route do I want to go? Your partner, wild baby mom? Or what do

[00:01:30] Colin Stuckert: [00:01:30] you mean? What route do you want to go?

[00:01:33] Allison Bingham: [00:01:33] What time? What title do I want to, what hat do I mean,

[00:01:36] Colin Stuckert: [00:01:36] and I don't know, whatever you think it is, like work you're, you're my committed partner.

[00:01:41] We're just not married. Yeah. Right. But you guys

[00:01:44] Allison Bingham: [00:01:44] are, well, I mean, when you say partner people pretty much

[00:01:47] Colin Stuckert: [00:01:47] assume. Yeah. But I mean, people love saying wife and husband. Yeah. I mean, some people get married just to be able to say that I feel like cause easier. That's my wife or my husband or whatever. Yeah. I don't know.

[00:01:57] I don't like the idea of ownership I [00:02:00] used to actually really want to get married as a kid.

[00:02:03] Allison Bingham: [00:02:03] I don't think I ever really wanted to get married. That's what's kind of funny now you

[00:02:06] Colin Stuckert: [00:02:06] do more than I do. Yeah. So as bizarre, I mean, I would do it if you want it to probably, if you really convinced me, but I don't like the government involvement.

[00:02:15] I don't like the legal out, the Gowdy of it. I don't like how there's industries built around a marriage. There's there's industries built around divorce. I mean, the court system itself makes billions of dollars.

[00:02:25] Allison Bingham: [00:02:25] Well, the legalities in, in, in what regard do you not like

[00:02:28] Colin Stuckert: [00:02:28] inviting the government into. My house, right relationship.

[00:02:32] They should have no say in the matter, why the fuck should some lawyer have any say in anything? Even if we did have a dispute and plus they have incentives lawyers, haven't sent us to make as much money as possible for themselves first. So extending out how long it takes. They don't have any incentive to close it fast.

[00:02:50] And then they're trying to get their client as much money as possible. It creates this combative. Shit shows what it is and that's just the divorce part. Well,

[00:02:58] Allison Bingham: [00:02:58] that's true, but there's also, when you have kids in a sense you invite the government into your, your parental stuff. Well, for example, if you and I split up and I wanted to go like the route of like going to the courts and doing

[00:03:12] Colin Stuckert: [00:03:12] whatever you would, then again, be inviting them in when really we should handle it amongst ourselves.

[00:03:16] Well, yeah, exactly.

[00:03:17] Allison Bingham: [00:03:17] But still I, CPS can come in there. I mean, there's a lot of different like routes where the government can just kind of come in, regardless of,

[00:03:25] Colin Stuckert: [00:03:25] but it's how much you allow in and it's how much you protect yourself. I mean, people don't realize how much you can tell the government to fuck off actually.

[00:03:33] And that's what you should do. Just like the guy in that video I saw recently they were trying to go into a restaurant. I think it was in Canada. He basically yelled at them or recording. He said, get out, get out. I'm not talking to you. I'm not talking to get down. Cause stop was not welcome here. Get out, get out to Nazis.

[00:03:48] And he kept doing that until finally they inspect inspect inch back and they find a left. That's just an example. Most people don't even think to do that. You can't do that. They're on private property. They don't have a search warrant. Yeah. They don't. They have no right to be in your place of business or whatever it is.

[00:03:59] Yeah. [00:04:00] Right. So. It's like, those are examples, but I mean, without getting too far off topic, we should actually just talk about this anniversary and here's our anniversary six years, how that went, then we can also talk about, um, I don't know, maybe a few things we've learned or a few, uh, recommendations we have for each other.

[00:04:19] Not, not pretending we have it all figured out, but

[00:04:22] Allison Bingham: [00:04:22] we don't have it figured out, but I think that's part of it, which part. Not wearing this. I know what I'm doing hat, or I'm always going to be right hat or the whatever hat. I think we both go into this knowing that, well, I like how Elsa puts it about making deals.

[00:04:38] Colin Stuckert: [00:04:38] Right? I don't remember that. Explain what, what did she say?

[00:04:40] Allison Bingham: [00:04:40] Say that again, there was something about, you'd gotten upset about something that I wanted, and rather than me coming to you and like striking a deal with you, which in my mind, I CA that's the deal I had. It was about the air conditioner. When we lived in the.

[00:04:54] The old house. Remember me leaving the doors open to like cool down the playroom. He got really mad about it.

[00:04:59] Colin Stuckert: [00:04:59] I always saw, I didn't talk to her about that. I was talking to her about the washing machine. You want to buy this expensive washing machine? It was on the air conditioning, but then how did she offer advice?

[00:05:07] Cause the only thing I talked to Elsa about that she talked to me about was the washing machine thing. I don't remember you talking to her about, I told you, I told you how I discussed it in. I forgot. She's like she recommended something along the lines of like, no, it was about the air

[00:05:21] Allison Bingham: [00:05:21] conditioner. And she, you said if Alison had just come to me and said, look, it's really hot.

[00:05:27] And I would like to leave the doors open to cool down the playroom until X month until the end of July. Or the end of whatever, or always leave the doors up and to keep

[00:05:38] Colin Stuckert: [00:05:38] it warm. Then you, I think you were, if you propose the actual cost of what it would cost,

[00:05:43] Allison Bingham: [00:05:43] I don't even think it was that. I think if you would just, if you had told her, if she, if Alison had just said, look, it's really cold and I want to keep it warm in there.

[00:05:49] I would like to keep the doors open until the end of February. If you came to me and asked

[00:05:52] Colin Stuckert: [00:05:52] first strike, rather than like striking

[00:05:55] Allison Bingham: [00:05:55] it and fighting about it, making a deal is what she said rather [00:06:00] than a compromise. Because typically in a compromise each party, they feel like they got a little bit of a win, but they also feel like they got

[00:06:07] Colin Stuckert: [00:06:07] them just means two people don't get what they want.

[00:06:10] I think even the origin, I think the origin of the word, if you look at the Latin root of the word is something along those lines. Like it's not a, it's not a positive connotation. Right?

[00:06:19] Allison Bingham: [00:06:19] So each, each person feels like they have a little bit of a loss, but not like a full right. So striking a deal. So that's what I'm saying.

[00:06:27] Yeah. I think that's um,

[00:06:30] Colin Stuckert: [00:06:30] so you're saying we are both good at that because

[00:06:32] Allison Bingham: [00:06:32] I think we approach a lot of things that way without necessarily kind of knowing that's what we were

[00:06:38] Colin Stuckert: [00:06:38] doing for sure. I think we're also, we are growth minded in the same way. This is something that her and I talked about on the podcast.

[00:06:43] She was on. She started to help. You know, having somebody that is fixed minded and to have somebody that's growth, like you're going to have a lot of battles because you're just not going to see the world the same way. Well,

[00:06:52] Allison Bingham: [00:06:52] absolutely because I mean, if you're the person who's growth minded, you're essentially going to be talking to somebody who stonewalls you

[00:06:58] Colin Stuckert: [00:06:58] well or stuck in the past, or who is stuck in negative thought patterns.

[00:07:01] And it's going to be more and more frustrating because the growth minded person is constantly learning. They're constantly like becoming frustrated. Like, why can't you see this? This is so obvious. I mean, that's how I feel. A lot of times I'm talking to people. But as I wrote today in the newsletter, actually you can get over a column by coach.

[00:07:16] The better human newsletter is I get frustrated because I it's so easy for me to see what people should do. And I want to just like help them and bait and basically do this, like do this thing and you'll get what you want. But people just don't receive information that way. And they don't want to take actions that way.

[00:07:31] They have to, like only when people are ready. And really want to, and actually then committed to even doing it. Like you have to make the choice, then you have to figure out what that work is to get that thing you want. And then you have to do that work day in, day out until you get there. There's three very hard things for most people, which is why most people don't change.

[00:07:47] But I get frustrated because it's like, it is very, very obvious in a lot of times, but people can't see it and they're definitely not going to do it. Until they're absolutely at that place. Like they have to evolve in their own time. They have to come to that, [00:08:00] you know, like coming to an epiphany it's I can't say, Hey, Alison, you should have an epiphany because here's 10 things you should do.

[00:08:04] Or like, here's how I see. You should have an epiphany. Like you're literally come to your epiphany and whatever way you have to, even if I gave you all the information, you need it, you might not come to it for six months or a year or whatever. Yeah. So the other, it also reminds me everything about a happy couple.

[00:08:17] I think Nepal, Robin Khan was saying this. He was saying, how, if you want a happy relationship, you need two happy people. And I just love the, I love when a simple. Sentence makes so much irrefutable sense, but it's also super deep. Like you need to happy people to have a happy relationship. I mean, otherwise you're always going to have somebody that's pulling somebody else along.

[00:08:37] Allison Bingham: [00:08:37] I mean, it's the same thing with parenting. I feel like. I don't think that you can raise children who know how to be happy with you or not happy yourself. Cause you're constantly going to be projecting that on them or making them like hide their true feelings about stuff because you're doing,

[00:08:54] Colin Stuckert: [00:08:54] I don't know.

[00:08:55] I think I disagree with that. I think it's gonna be really, really, really hard for them. But like my dad was always late. I'm never late. My dad was a chronic procrastinator. I'm not, that's not a, that's like how you respond to. Maybe how a parent would be, is completely up to the child and circumstances.

[00:09:13] Right?

[00:09:14] Allison Bingham: [00:09:14] You're saying it takes two happy people to have a happy relationship, right? I'm saying it's the same thing with parenting. If you're not like a happy parent, it's going to be very hard for you to have like a happy relationship with your child. Well,

[00:09:26] Colin Stuckert: [00:09:26] having a happy relationship with your child, but you said making basically

[00:09:29] Allison Bingham: [00:09:29] developing as a child.

[00:09:31] I meant the

[00:09:31] Colin Stuckert: [00:09:31] relationship. Okay. So you mean that? Well, if we think about this, we can take this every end. How are you going to have happy friendships? If you're not happy yourself, like right. You ended

[00:09:42] Allison Bingham: [00:09:42] up, you end up getting in, in like petty little things. Like the person I was just telling you about a second ago that I haven't talked

[00:09:48] Colin Stuckert: [00:09:48] to him in a while.

[00:09:49] Yeah. But it's also like. Even if you don't manifest it that way by like nitpicking and causing drama, you're just going to always limit your ability to go deep to those places where [00:10:00] you might find the forcing of a relationship, kids, partners, you know, um, friendships, everything like, cause you're limiting yourself is what I mean.

[00:10:10] Like you can't get there because you literally, literally can't

[00:10:12] Allison Bingham: [00:10:12] absolutely back to the growth mindset thing when it comes. I, a lot of people, I feel like. Use their relationship as a means to be happy, which I think is also part of the problem. So that person, everything, that's just the high they're trying to get and starts to feel unhappy with life or stagnant or whatever.

[00:10:32] Like my relationship that I was in with before you that's actually how he was. He was like unhappy with other aspects of his life and then ended up like triggering into our relay. It was all external stuff. You see what I'm saying? So as far as the deep part of what Nicole said, I think a lot of that has to do with, you have to be aware enough to know why you're not happy and I'll be blaming it on like things in front of you.

[00:10:56] Like, well, I'm not happy because of my, like my partner doesn't make me happy cause they don't do this or they don't do that. Like, I don't really feel like whenever you, cause you know, we, we, both of us have had highs and lows. I don't feel like you've ever blamed me for Lowe's.

[00:11:08] Colin Stuckert: [00:11:08] No, but I've manifest. I've projected stress onto you and it makes me nitpick more.

[00:11:12] But then it's not about the very, the actual thing. It just is the thing that triggers the thing. Yeah. Yeah. And I

[00:11:18] Allison Bingham: [00:11:18] think you've never placed your happiness on me. Which is actually, it's actually very

[00:11:22] Colin Stuckert: [00:11:22] internally

[00:11:23] Allison Bingham: [00:11:23] driven. I was thinking about that a couple of months ago, actually. And like having a moment of gratitude because I have had like multiple people in relationships before do that.

[00:11:32] Where like, if they are not happy, that specific thing is projected on me. Like now I have to show up more. I have to do more in the relationship. It becomes

[00:11:40] Colin Stuckert: [00:11:40] codependency is what it is. Right. That's what people do, they project. And they, they lean on people and stuff. Uh, I don't do that and I don't take anybody doing it for me either.

[00:11:48] Like I re I revolt. I revolted in school. I revolted as a teenager. I've revolted in my adult life. Everything I do in my life is revolting against external demands placed upon me from other sources. But I [00:12:00] mean, the point about happiness and the things you're saying externally, that isn't actually happiness though.

[00:12:04] And so I think this is Nevada talks about this too. He talks about people don't really understand the word happiness. Yeah. Right.

[00:12:09] Allison Bingham: [00:12:09] Well, that's what I was going to say. If you just, if you just like, hear that, you can take that a million different ways. If you don't need to

[00:12:16] Colin Stuckert: [00:12:16] find it, if you don't, if you don't really.

[00:12:19] If it's not external satisfaction, like I got my Bitcoin, I got, we can go on trips. Like we do these things. In fact, what you see is like, that's why I'm hesitant to travel because I don't usually travel. Well. I tend to think about home and. It. I mean, it helps me be more grateful for the routines. I do have, like, it does appreciate, it helps me appreciate home traveling, traveling does, but I always, maybe in my mind feel like it should be more exciting than it is, and that may be lets me down.

[00:12:43] So I don't have a healthy dynamic with it just yet. And when I was younger, I was doing it more like the more you do it, you know, you get more accustomed to it and I'll work through that. But I feel like a lot of people use things like travel. Uh, obviously they use drugs and going out and all the different distractions, they use it to basically distract themselves long enough.

[00:13:00] So they don't have to answer the existential question of how to be happy and they just hop from one high to another. So I remember people find the fulfillment and like their life, like everyday experiences. Yeah.

[00:13:11] Allison Bingham: [00:13:11] I remember a couple years after Tiffany had passed away talking to my friend, Leslie, and I think I've told you this before.

[00:13:18] And she said, I don't remember what we're talking about, but she was like, I just decided one day. Like to be happy. I just decided, and I remember thinking, okay, you're full of shit. That's literally size though, to be

[00:13:31] Colin Stuckert: [00:13:31] happy to

[00:13:31] Allison Bingham: [00:13:31] decide. It's literally the answer, but that's exactly what it is. So I don't really know if I know how to define it.

[00:13:36] I feel like it's just one of those things where it's like, yes, there are things that like in the moment make, make me feel sad or make me angry or make me, you know, whatever. But the, the it's, it's just kind of a foundational thing where you just, you wake up and you just find. Joy in anything you can find joy.

[00:13:55] Colin Stuckert: [00:13:55] It's finding joy. I don't think finding joy, which is, it sounds like an external [00:14:00] response to your environment. That's not actually long-term happiness. I don't feel like or fulfillment. And I also, when I say happiness, I'm more mean fulfillment and maybe purpose wrapped up in there, but also a lack of I'm trying to, I'm trying to find it myself and I, you should.

[00:14:14] I think you should define it, right? This is a good exercise. It's also a lack of sweating, the small stuff. And just realizing how much shit just actually doesn't matter when you rise above that. In fact, there's a good quote. The guy who wrote direct truth, he's got a very strange name, but very smart dude basically had a quote or maybe it was Osho or Anthony

[00:14:33] I don't know. He said when you, when you go through life, With preferences, but you're not kind of defined by them or like the outcomes or whatever, then you're awake. So like you could have, you basically means like, just like a Stokes talked about this Stokes, believe that if you can to make money and be wealthy, you should do that.

[00:14:48] Cause it's just better. You should do that. But they practice things like induced poverty or like fake poverty where they pretend they had nothing negative visualization. They would do these practices to make sure that they didn't come become too enraptured with their wealth. And then that leads to all the negative things it does.

[00:15:03] So. My preference is to have all the money in the world and I can change the world and do the things I want to do. Right. But if I don't get that, it's not going to cause me existential pain or suffering. Right. Uh, while also, like I spend time enjoying the journey of doing things and, and building or whatever.

[00:15:20] So I guess my definition of happiness is that is like having purpose mission, uh, being to being needed. Sometimes I feel like being needed in different ways, which is why I'm happy about partnering with Elsa. Cause it's giving me. It's kind of giving me something that I like I'm committing to, but I need to do it.

[00:15:36] I need like, there's accountability there. And like I'm telling you, I mean, everyone thinks, Oh, you know, easy problems, but it's like, no, you wake up every day and you have, yeah. And you, you, you don't have to really do anything. Uh, you you're so good at managing things that you can just get work done in no time.

[00:15:54] And so I have to literally create work for myself for doing these new things. And it does, it's not an easy thing [00:16:00] to deal with. I get it. It's definitely stressful. And. Anxiety inducing. So I think my definition of is having, like, what is the right thing to be needed for that I could spend time on that. I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose and mastery, right.

[00:16:15] And then spend a lot of time with people being able to not next, be in the moment and then not suffer from all the stupid shit that Mo like 99% of life is just meaningless to spend negative energy on. And then I think having deep fulfilling relationships and having time to where you're really, really have fun with people.

[00:16:30] Like, like we talked about, I used to do when I was younger that I don't do anymore. I think that would be my definition of happiness, but also security. So like having enough money so that your money problems just go away, basically.

[00:16:40] Allison Bingham: [00:16:40] Yeah. I feel like a lot of what you just said is that that's like fun.

[00:16:44] You finding joy in things,

[00:16:46] Colin Stuckert: [00:16:46] finding joy, finding joy. I don't know. Joy itself sounds like it's a, I mean, because what is joy? What's the opposite of joy. It would be like suffering. I would say. Right. So, you know, if you look at Dallas in the duality, it's defined by the

[00:17:00] Allison Bingham: [00:17:00] negative pain, but what's the opposite of happy.

[00:17:04] Colin Stuckert: [00:17:04] So, so the question is, can you have joy without pain? Can you have a night without day?

[00:17:09] Allison Bingham: [00:17:09] No, but pain is also a catalyst to move you through from one joyful moment to another sometimes. And it doesn't necessarily mean that you're like suffering. You can still,

[00:17:20] Colin Stuckert: [00:17:20] but to have joy in your life, you also have to suffer.

[00:17:22] Otherwise you literally can't have joy. That's my point. It's defined by the other. This is what the Dow was talking about.

[00:17:27] Allison Bingham: [00:17:27] Sometimes you have to have pain though, in my opinion, to be able to like level up, to be able to go from like,

[00:17:33] Colin Stuckert: [00:17:33] again, I think he needs struggle. I think they're different. I think, I think suffering is more of the, like self-imposed.

[00:17:43] You know, the reality is not matching to what we want. We can't accept it. It's causing us different ways

[00:17:48] Allison Bingham: [00:17:48] to define pain though. Like you can go work out and I can be like, Oh, I had a really painful workout. Like I, my muscles are sore and the weights were really heavy and they were whatever, like, it doesn't, I don't

[00:17:57] Colin Stuckert: [00:17:57] think was pain.

[00:17:59] Like that's like more of the [00:18:00] burden. Like you release endorphins actually feels good. Or like, if it's painful, cause you're massaging a muscle. That's sore. It makes me feel good. So I just, I don't mean

[00:18:08] Allison Bingham: [00:18:08] pain like suffering.

[00:18:09] Colin Stuckert: [00:18:09] I just see the joy. Right. So my point is joy is very much connected to the idea that I'm going to find happiness by doing things in my life.

[00:18:18] You know, highs, food, high sex, highs, travel, highs, friends, highs, all these other things. And we're going to do these things. We're humans, right. But they always wear off. And for them to be really, really good. And for you to appreciate them, the duality. Suggest that you have to have the negative, which is like loneliness and suffering, these other things.

[00:18:36] And so you see like the kind of coat go hand in hand.

[00:18:39] Allison Bingham: [00:18:39] So I guess my point is like, I can have a day, like the other day I had one of these, I think it might have been yesterday where I just literally felt like all I did were feed feed and ch and sleep children. I put them to sleep and I fed them literally, that's it.

[00:18:54] They were there on my boob. I was cooking for them. So I felt like I did nothing all day long. I mean, it was like 2:00 PM and I hadn't even washed my face. Okay. But I still felt happy. Like I was a little annoyed with the day. Cause I'm like, I feel like I should have done more things with the day, but I still felt happy.

[00:19:09] Like I still found joy in those moments. I didn't feel like. Depressed cause I didn't because the day didn't versus having a day where I feel like I got a really good workout in, and maybe I had like a nice work session and I had an awesome, like two hour lunch with my friend. I haven't chatted with her in a while where I felt like fulfilled in whatever I, both of those days I can find.

[00:19:29] Joy in the moments and I'm happy, you know what I mean? Even if there's like, even if you and I happen to have an argument or like Daro has like an Epic meltdown and I don't handle it exactly the way that I would like, and I get snappy at him or something like, I'm still foundationally happy, even though there were like a multitude of emotions.

[00:19:47] So I guess it's just like, when I say finding joy, that's kind of what, I mean, it's not like I'm not looking for an external thing. Do you see what I'm saying? So Joe, maybe joy is the wrong word, but that's kind of what I mean, I think,

[00:20:00] [00:20:00] Colin Stuckert: [00:20:00] I don't know if it's the wrong word. I just think that it can be dangerous.

[00:20:02] I think you're more speaking about finding fulfillment and contentment. And I actually believe that those are probably the foundational

[00:20:11] Allison Bingham: [00:20:11] contentment is probably the correct word when

[00:20:13] Colin Stuckert: [00:20:13] I, when I, I mean, cause like if your purpose is kids and you know, you're doing that, you're fulfilling that. Like you should.

[00:20:20] That should have some kind of feedback loop of positivity

[00:20:23] Allison Bingham: [00:20:23] I had. And I've told you this before, and it took me a very long time to actually tell you this. I had a lot of shame around just wanting to be a mom. Like that's literally all I thought you would frown upon it. I thought you would judge me for it.

[00:20:37] I

[00:20:37] Colin Stuckert: [00:20:37] thought I used to judge my point is I used to think that that wasn't enough, but obviously like the more time that I saw what you actually have to do from a time perspective. Like it's insane, but also it's just like, so this, this definitely gets into the realm of Ms. We're talking about, but if I frown upon it, because I've created my metrics for what I perceive as a successful life is building or creating companies are making money, which a lot of what, what I've grown up with that is I have a healthy balance though, because I also believe life is about relationships and spending time.

[00:21:12] And. And not working at times, right. I've not gone to those extremes as much as I could. And even some days when I might've worked 14 hours in a day, it's punctuated by health routines and eating good food and exercise. Like I've never, I've never been the full blown. Like I'm going to work myself into hospital.

[00:21:26] Like I know people have done that, where they have to go to the hospital because they work so hard. I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's not even that hard to just take a break. Like it's not that hard to go work out and just like, like, what are you doing? And it's just a. It's just like anything else, like people take something like alcohol or drugs or this or that.

[00:21:39] And they just take it to the, as far as they can. It's almost like they want to see where they can go with it. Right. It works the same stupid thing for a lot of people. And I've never fallen into that, but I fall into, uh, always like these identity beliefs around, like I should be working more. I should be doing more time because I have this relationship to time that I feel like it's very valuable.

[00:21:57] It makes me worry about it more like I'm [00:22:00] working on that. And so I'm working on just not doing anything, not next thing being in the moment. If I place my value judgments of what a successful life is on you, that's just projecting. So what if you do have to step outside myself and ask myself, okay. If I make all the money in the world and that's all I do, what is the value of my life?

[00:22:18] Then I'm dead. And. Well, I built some parks and I've donated some places or whatever. Like it's literally meaningless. It means nothing. I mean, I probably did good, that's fine, but I probably didn't enjoy my life. I probably didn't have very deep, meaningful relationships. I don't know. There's just a lot of things I'd miss out on.

[00:22:32] And so that's not what I think a successful life should be. So let me think about what it would be for other people. And then I thought about, you know, our kids and legacy and all these different things and I mean, really the ultimate aim for any animal. Is to have the gene survive in a vessel that is then stronger and more adaptable for the future to do the same thing and so forth.

[00:22:56] And I think humanity has a chance to actually like colonize the source system and then the universe. It's amazing what we can do. We can be in a higher, intelligent life form that can bring literal utopia to everybody. Maybe that just ends up being more consciousness, gets uploaded to the cloud and you live in a perfect utopia.

[00:23:12] I don't know, but it's possible. So I had to. Step outside myself and think about that. Like, why am I pressuring her to work more or whatever? Cause a lot of, a lot of what I was doing, it was not for the money. It was for the like how could she be okay with herself not working. I have to get her to work. It was like me projecting that.

[00:23:31] Cause I know how I would feel in that sense situation. It would drive me nuts, but it doesn't drive you nuts. And so it

[00:23:37] Allison Bingham: [00:23:37] honestly made me feel anxious. I felt very anxious. So we would have a nanny come and she would come for say, I don't know, four or six hours. Right. And in those four or six hours, I have like the things that I have to tend to with the kids.

[00:23:53] And I also have to get my work in. And the way you and I like to parents is typically me is responsive [00:24:00] parenting. So it's like if Daro or Rowan needed to nurse, then I sit down and I nurse them. If it's 1:00 PM, one day it's two 31 day. If it's 12, o'clock like, it changes, you know what I'm saying? It's I don't look at the clock and say, Oh, it's one o'clock you need to sit down and have your nursing session.

[00:24:14] It's just dependent upon the child. Right? So letting them learn and listen to their bodies and stuff, which means that my day is. It is never set in stone entirely. You know what I mean? I

[00:24:25] Colin Stuckert: [00:24:25] couldn't work like that. It would make me so stressed. Well,

[00:24:29] Allison Bingham: [00:24:29] so the point is that it's like, if I'm. Focusing on them.

[00:24:35] Then in the back of my mind, I'm thinking, what am I going to get my work session in? When am I going to get my work session and the whole time? And so it, it made me feel like I was pulling, I wasn't able to be fully present in the moment. Do you know what I mean? It made me feel like my mind was constantly torn between two things.

[00:24:51] And one of those things I found. Some fulfillment from, but the other thing is like literally what I have dreamed of my entire life. Like I have always wanted to be a mother and have children and I have wanted a large family. And that doesn't mean that I don't want more and I don't have other dreams, but it's like, that's really where it's at for me.

[00:25:12] And until I feel like I have fulfilled and accomplished that I don't really care to focus and spend. Five six, 10, however many hours a day on other things. You know what I mean? So it just made me feel very torn. And I think it was when I was pregnant with Rohan.

[00:25:30] Colin Stuckert: [00:25:30] Well, I think after Rowan coming, I was like, if you want to be a mom, that's fine.

[00:25:37] Like, I was just like, Oh, okay. For sure. Maybe with the ROI, I still felt like you could do more. Uh, and you can definitely still do stuff like Romans at that age where you could sneak away some time, but. But, you know, whatever. I mean, we're very fortunate because, because I can afford us that, and you can just focus on being a mom or whatever.

[00:25:59] So [00:26:00] yeah, if that brings you fulfillment and that's what you should do, I'm actually really craving more of that ice cream. I'm glad we have some more of that. Glad I saved that with the cookies. You always throw it away. And it's organic ice cream. I didn't have a lot though, because I was trying to save some energy for our podcasts.

[00:26:14] I didn't

[00:26:14] Allison Bingham: [00:26:14] know we were going to record a podcast until we got up here.

[00:26:18] Colin Stuckert: [00:26:18] What, uh, what do you want to talk about before we close out? We're already at 30 minutes.

[00:26:22] Allison Bingham: [00:26:22] Uh, maybe we should just do we, maybe we should just do

[00:26:25] like

[00:26:25] Colin Stuckert: [00:26:25] a, do you want to talk about our, um, how our anniversary day almost got sidetracked? I mean, he did get sidetracked.

[00:26:32] See this, this is the thing it's like, this is, this is where we differ for various reasons. You know, one could be male, female. There's also just personality and temperament, but. I see this all the time. It's like that song. It's my birthday. I'll cry. If I want to. It's like, that's, that's toxic propaganda that kids grow up with it's this idea that like, it's your special day, because some things on calendar and like we've, we've created this ritual around it.

[00:27:00] And so you, you can basically act selfish and petty. And I'm not necessarily seeing yourself as a petty. What I'm saying is it creates it. It creates just kind of bad expectations

[00:27:12] Allison Bingham: [00:27:12] society. We definitely plan these days and we have all these expectations that doesn't get met. It's not just birthdays, it's weddings, it's anniversary.

[00:27:24] Colin Stuckert: [00:27:24] And I ended up ruining the day itself is supposed to be a celebration, right. That is the backwards. Shit. I can't stand. And like, most people generally don't handle stress. Well, they don't handle conflict. Well, um, I generally just try to shrug my shoulders as much as possible. And even if I get mad, I'm pretty good at getting off of that generally.

[00:27:41] And I just like one I've returned to baseline

[00:27:43] Allison Bingham: [00:27:43] one area that you're, I feel like you are very good at, and I, not that I'm bad at, but I take, I take more time. If I get really pissed off about something, I don't shrug it off as easily.

[00:27:55] Colin Stuckert: [00:27:55] Well, there's two things I've gotten better at that because obviously when I was younger, I would get angry.

[00:27:59] More [00:28:00] so, and probably for longer, but also too, like my whole, like one of my big things at 2021 is I want to cultivate non-response. I don't want to get mad in the first place. I mean, it's honestly not a useful emotion, even if there's something somebody does to you. I think you should, you can, you can discuss it and you can have points, you have preferences, but the idea of getting mad about it is just you not accepting reality.

[00:28:24] Allison Bingham: [00:28:24] No, not necessarily. So, wow. Anger. A lot of times you will feel angry when a boundary of yours has been crossed and it can give you courage to. Kind of correct that because that's,

[00:28:40] Colin Stuckert: [00:28:40] what is the boundary though? Because for most people that's just, that's actually not a boundary at all. It's an expectation.

[00:28:45] So if you replace boundary in that sentence with expectation, I would agree with you. That's why people get upset, but I'm not going to, but I wouldn't agree that that's why that they should, or that it's justified or righteous or something.

[00:28:56] Allison Bingham: [00:28:56] So, I mean, I guess a boundary let's just use this as an example.

[00:29:00] Say you have a friend who is like always late and you tell them. You know, like say we're going to record a podcast and you have somebody who literally shows up late all the time and you tell them we have to start recording at two. Yeah. I have to leave. We have all have friends that do this, I believe at two 30.

[00:29:16] And then they sh they do whatever and they do it at two 15. If you just continue to kind of shrug that off, even if you tell them, you know what I'm saying, they have crossed your boundary of you being like, we need to start it too. And you, I guess haven't taken action enough to like, let them know that you've crossed.

[00:29:31] So anger can be a useful tool to give you the courage to basically put your foot down and say like, you keep doing the shit. I don't want to do it anymore.

[00:29:40] Colin Stuckert: [00:29:40] Okay. So people that are late, that's just an example, but I'm saying this is good. This is a good teachable moment. A learning moment, exploration people that are later, generally late often, would you say that's safe to say.

[00:29:55] Uh, yeah, right. So this is like a recurring thing. So does getting angry [00:30:00] at something that you should almost know is going to happen? Make any sense? I mean,

[00:30:04] Allison Bingham: [00:30:04] I think it depends on the situation to be honest.

[00:30:06] Colin Stuckert: [00:30:06] Why, like, what is the anger going to do for you besides likely ruin a relationship or so how about this?

[00:30:13] Does the anger make the person not be late in the future?

[00:30:16] Allison Bingham: [00:30:16] That's my point. Or it could like if you end up getting really angry and you give somebody your 2 cents about it and they continue to be late after that, it could give you the courage to, okay. You're in here and it's two o'clock. They haven't shown up.

[00:30:31] You give them till two, till two 10, you fucking leave and you lock the door, which is maybe something that you wouldn't have done before. But because you came out and vocalize, I keep telling you that I don't like it when you're late and you keep doing, it feels like a waste of my time. Right. Maybe you wouldn't have said that before he didn't get angry enough.

[00:30:47] Colin Stuckert: [00:30:47] Do doesn't sound like it. Anger needs to be involved at all. It just sounds rational. If less than that, it's just that that's

[00:30:53] Allison Bingham: [00:30:53] a time example though. Like I don't, I'd have to sit down and think about like an actual

[00:30:57] Colin Stuckert: [00:30:57] boundary. So we're talking about like, what do you mean if somebody is constantly late and you keep letting them show up late, they're violating your boundary.

[00:31:04] Some people don't have the balls. To say something, I get it right. But using anger as a way to muster courage, to then say something, you're not going to communicate in any way, that's going to prevent it. And you're going to just call. You're probably just likely going to cause more rift and more resentment.

[00:31:19] And that person is probably going to be late, even if it's subconscious in the future, because now they don't like how you talk to them or whatever. It's gonna be some other fucking thing. The reality is what I'm trying to get at is, so if you have an alcoholic in your life, Does getting angry that they went on another bender again, they've done a thousand times.

[00:31:38] Does it make them stop being an alcoholic and going out to vendors again? The answer is obviously no. Right? It's true of almost anything that humans do on a recurring basis. Anger doesn't do anything. Okay. Um, it's not a, it's just not a strong enough motivation for people that have that struggle with these things.

[00:31:56] We think it does something because we think, Oh, well, next time they won't want to do that for me to, to me. [00:32:00] But that's not how the person thinks they're thinking about themselves.

[00:32:04] Allison Bingham: [00:32:04] Being late was not a good example

[00:32:07] Colin Stuckert: [00:32:07] as an example, because people get late that people are late or get angry that people are late.

[00:32:11] Yeah.

[00:32:11] Allison Bingham: [00:32:11] There are things that I have needed to say to you in our relationship that I did not say until you did something that really made me angry and then I let it out maybe because I was still mulling it over, maybe because whatever. It's not necessarily that it's a strategy. It's just that sometimes anger can be a useful tool to give you courage to say things that you weren't saying before, for whatever reason that may be, that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be this like crazy type of anger where you're like throwing things or you're.

[00:32:44] Colin Stuckert: [00:32:44] So, okay. Then what's the goal being angry, just to say something.

[00:32:48] Allison Bingham: [00:32:48] Well, I think it's probably to, to, to try and yielded a different type of result. Maybe that's to get something out so that in the future.

[00:32:56] Colin Stuckert: [00:32:56] Okay. So you're saying that you, you use anger to get a different result. The question then is can you get a different result by not using anger?

[00:33:04] Allison Bingham: [00:33:04] Anger can give you courage. Yes. Yes, you can. You don't have to be angry. What I'm saying is that sometimes anger gives people the courage to say things that they wouldn't have otherwise said, for whatever reason.

[00:33:17] Colin Stuckert: [00:33:17] I understand that. But when you're angry that somebody did something who's making you suffer like yourself, okay?

[00:33:23] It's not this person being late. They have no choice in the matter of what you tell yourself in your mind, right? Nothing. They have literally no choice. And that's a fundamental concept. I call it the stoke framework of control. Most people don't understand it. It's the most important thing for life. I'm going

[00:33:39] Allison Bingham: [00:33:39] to remind you of this.

[00:33:40] Whenever you're yelling at people driving on the road,

[00:33:44] Colin Stuckert: [00:33:44] I'm, uh, I'm under no illusion that I'm changing them or helping them or anything in any way. Okay. Sometimes it just feels better than bottling it up. Anyways, aside from that, if the goal is to get them to stop being late [00:34:00] without you suffering, right, without being angry and suffering, then.

[00:34:04] And we've established there's there's ways to get people to not be late or change the situation. So my, without being angry or that evening to say anything, the way I would handle it is I would probably just say, nevermind, don't come, I'm leaving or whatever. And then I, and then maybe I'll say something about it or that maybe look at the picture everyone's different.

[00:34:23] I mean, genuinely just better off saying, listen, we got to just stick to the schedule. I got stuff to do. So. If somebody is late, you do what you need to do. We basically should probably just not let them show up and they kind of learn that way. Like you can take action without being angry, so,

[00:34:37] Allison Bingham: [00:34:37] right. I mean, I agree in that circumstance, I wouldn't get angry either.

[00:34:40] I would just be like, I would probably just leave. And if they showed up at two 30 and they're like, Oh, Hey, I'm here. I'd be like, yeah, I left because

[00:34:47] Colin Stuckert: [00:34:47] we were supposed to meet two or whatever and tell people that, you know, what, if they legit got hell up and traffic, it's stuck behind some train or something who knows like, yeah, it's fine.

[00:34:54] But, um, with chronically late people. Or anybody that does something on a recurring basis to get angry at that. And that's just one example, but to get angry, that makes no sense. You're not actually gonna think clearly you're not gonna be able to formulate a good enough game plan. You're going to probably respond in a way that's not going to be good to that person.

[00:35:13] They're going to have constantly resent you. Maybe it's going to make them some constantly do it more. Some people are masochistic that way. Some people want to be criticized or condemned or whatever, like this idea that we have, that we should be angry because we deserve to be, or this or that or whatever.

[00:35:24] It's all just a flawed narrative. And a lot of it's from culture and movies and bullshit. Right. But the reason that I can now get over things faster. Is because I can return to logic faster or returning to critical thinking. And logic is the anecdote to anger and emotion, because all you have to do is do a cost benefit analysis.

[00:35:45] And so this is why I talked about a lot in the better mind when I was building that. And I must've lost it eventually. Cause it's. It's so it's people need it more than ever. So playing the victim. That's a good example of this. Anger is like that anger is like that. In fact, in a way when you're angry, you get to be the victim.

[00:36:00] [00:35:59] That's a few, a lot of times I understand they get addicted to it. They want to be angry. They want to be peeved, right. Because it's somebody exerting this to them doing this to them. Right. I mean, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. So like there's a little bit that there too. So the victims. They will pretend that they want to make the world a better place or that they want to correct injustice or have fairness or whatever.

[00:36:20] But what they, what they really want is to have the power of being the victim, have the spotlight on them, because if you analyze it and you ask yourself, okay, does being angry, upset the victim, whatever does it get me closer to my goals? It's all, it's all goals. That's all it is. What are your goals? What do you want?

[00:36:37] Do you want to be happy person? Do you want to not suffer? Right? Like, do you not want to do these things or do you want us to be stuck in suffering? Because if you analyze anger in most of the things that people get upset about, they don't even realize that they probably have conflicting goals. They do want to be happy and not suffer, but they also want to be the victim and have things upon them so that they can have power.

[00:36:59] Right. It's a power game.

[00:37:01] Allison Bingham: [00:37:01] Okay. I agree with you when it comes to the victim thing, I'm going to use this morning when I got angry at you as an example. So if I had gotten angry and then just let it go right away and like not been angry anymore, when you said, sorry. Just like, let it go right then. And there, I likely would not have continued to analyze why I was angry because I wasn't angry anymore.

[00:37:25] Right. I just want to let it go. And I wouldn't have come to the conclusion that I did, which was basically that there was something that was very important to me that I did. That I did a poor job of vocalizing to you. The importance of that. So, hence, okay. There's a positive outcome that came out of that because I stayed mad.

[00:37:43] I continued to like, assess, well, why are you so upset about this? Like, why do you still feel peeved? Why do you, whatever, I wasn't in like a victim mentality where I like wanted to be mad. I was like, why, what is the root of this? And so I continue to analyze that. So I think a lot of it [00:38:00] is the direction that you go with it, how you react towards other people.

[00:38:03] When you are, but anger to me is a very like primal type of emotion. I don't think it's necessarily a. Like modern day invention emotion. That's not necessarily like primal to us. It's anger. Like we have it for a reason. I think a lot of it is how you harness it. And that's why I'm saying it can be very useful.

[00:38:23] There are times when I've gotten really mad about stuff and I ended up telling you things that I didn't even really realize I was feeling until I got that mad. And I wasn't like screaming at you on the phone or anything, but I was angry and I ended up saying a bunch of. Stuff that I didn't even really realize that I had felt until you did or said something that like made me mad.

[00:38:42] So I think it can be very useful. I think maybe the mentality you take on when you have anger where you just want to be mad to be mad, or if you feel like a victim and that's, you know what I'm saying? Or if you. Get crazy and you throw things or you do whatever, like that's not useful, but it can be useful.

[00:39:00] I think if you are using it as a tool all of the time, maybe you should assess that. But I think in some circumstances that can be very

[00:39:07] Colin Stuckert: [00:39:07] useful. So can you, can you completely eliminate anger? I mean, I

[00:39:11] Allison Bingham: [00:39:11] think if you are a person who analyzes what you do a lot,

[00:39:18] Colin Stuckert: [00:39:18] you just had this primal. So, what did that be built in an eight, thus, unable to fully eliminate?

[00:39:26] Allison Bingham: [00:39:26] I think you can almost eliminate your expression of it, whether or not it actually creeps up and you feel it. I am not sure you can eliminate that. I think there are things that probably would happen that would make you angry, even if you like not, you know, like if someone tried to do something to your, you don't get angry about anything, but somebody tries to hurt one of your kids or they do whatever.

[00:39:48] I think it's probably primal in you to feel very pissed off and to want to do it.

[00:39:53] Colin Stuckert: [00:39:53] Okay. So, so if it's a constant of life it's going to happen, we've pretty much established that it's [00:40:00] unavoidable completely. Unless you're just a robot. You're not a human anymore. So you will always have this experience.

[00:40:09] Why can't you learn from every time that it comes up? Why does it have to manifest over 30 minutes an hour or whatever? Can you not get learning from every time that you get upset? Can you then ask yourself and do the soul searching? Why did I get upset? Cause then your goal would be to not let it happen again or to get as far away from letting it happen as

[00:40:27] Allison Bingham: [00:40:27] possible.

[00:40:28] Well, yeah, but I think I, sometimes I think that's a little bit asking a little bit too much of people because sometimes people feel a certain way and they don't totally understand why they feel that way. And it takes a little bit of time.

[00:40:37] Colin Stuckert: [00:40:37] I'm talking about you. Second of all, I'm not talking necessarily about asking other people I'm talking about yourself.

[00:40:43] So you said that. The anger was good. Cause it's something positive came up about it. Okay. That's fine. A lot of good things come out of bad things. That's, that's just like a duality of the universe or like a constant where we disagree, I think is the dose and the necessity. And like, I believe that if I got angry and it was for 60 seconds and then I let it go.

[00:41:08] I don't think that I then lose my opportunity to learn from that. I don't think that I have to dwell on it for some period of time and create self-inflicted suffering to like have an internal dialogue and have self-awareness. I think I should make it as short as possible because actually, if you think about it while you're angry, would you say that your brain operates logically and clearly, or does it operate emotionally?

[00:41:31] Irrationally.

[00:41:32] Allison Bingham: [00:41:32] We're emotional creatures though. We're not

[00:41:34] Colin Stuckert: [00:41:34] logical, but, but we can also, we also take aluminum planes in the sky and fly them and we build skyscrapers and we can understand certain laws of physics and mathematics. There are certain truisms that we've discovered. Right. So, and we can also get to a point where you can,  your mind.

[00:41:52] In literally control your brainwaves through things like meditation, mindfulness, other therapies. So we're emotional creatures, but we can get, [00:42:00] we can get become masters of our emotions. Maybe not completely perfect. We're not going to meditate in a cave for years on end, but we can get to that point where we've already established.

[00:42:09] Anger is always going to happen. I'm saying that we should try to release it as fast as, and with that goes. You're going to learn from it. Like if you're growth minded, every time you get angry should be, should elicit. Self-reflection understand why if only to better live with other people that are going to do things that piss you off.

[00:42:32] So a little bit of my gripe with like earlier was maybe just, I mean, sometimes I think it reminds me of the David Foster Wallace quote, where two fish are swimming by two younger fish are hanging out and then an older fish comes by and goes, Hey boys, how's the water. And then swims on the couple, the two smart fish are swimming on and he looks the other one.

[00:42:52] He goes, what the hell is water? Most people are swimming in water. They don't even realize. Right. And it's really hard to even see the water that you're around is basically like, you know, your perception, whatever other people can see you differently, you can't see them through their eyes. Like it's really hard to see ourselves and to be aware of that.

[00:43:10] So I think sometimes because of the way I am you subconsciously take for granted. How I am. It's like the water you're swimming in and I don't really like compared to other people, but I mean, objectively the way most people operate, I could just fucking argue with you and bicker with you and be stuck in something.

[00:43:27] And it could have been like a huge thing. Uh, and I could defend myself. I could defend my actions for just like, who knows how long and like, it could have been, we could have ever been so far to that end of the spectrum based on my inability to apologize and realize that I probably should have asked that and like, be willing to admit that.

[00:43:43] Right. What I'm saying is that like, sometimes I think you forget that we're there, that's the water we're swimming in. And so then it, you know, I think sometimes your response is a little bit less compassionate because you're just kind of used to me not being like that. But I

[00:43:58] Allison Bingham: [00:43:58] also think that you probably [00:44:00] take for granted a little bit, how many times you do something that is whatever, and then you apologize for it.

[00:44:07] And I do let it go most of the time that I do. Even if I'm like still irritated or whatever, I accept your apology. And I try and move on. I would say probably 50, 50. I'm actually still mad, but I accept your apology and I just move on. And at some point in my pregnancy with Rowan, I just decided if something pissed me off enough that I was just going to allow myself to express that emotion.

[00:44:33] Rather than

[00:44:34] Colin Stuckert: [00:44:34] you should express it, but I just think if you stay too connected to it or it's too, you dwell on it too long. And the things that peeve me are when you say I deserve. Or I can, or whatever you make these like, statements around, like how you're allowed to feel this way. I mean, like, of course you got to feel the way you're also allowed to let it go in a fucking second if you want it to.

[00:44:51] Allison Bingham: [00:44:51] Yeah, that's true. Essentially, our, our issue earlier came down to you, apologized and were ready for me to move on and I was not ready to move on. And then you got mad at me for that.

[00:45:02] Colin Stuckert: [00:45:02] Yeah. Well, I was also just trying to go away and I don't know. I, I wasn't, I w I didn't expect that you would respond that way.

[00:45:11] So when I was off guard, Taken off guard with that and then how it was being dragged on. I didn't expect that. Well, I really just wanted to be left alone and then to process, and then it just made me, it made me mad because I feel like it was a power thing or whatever power game.

[00:45:26] Allison Bingham: [00:45:26] Well, it wasn't a power game.

[00:45:28] I wasn't expecting you to ask

[00:45:29] Colin Stuckert: [00:45:29] me that, but I feel like sometimes it does. It becomes, it's like that victim power struggle where it's like, okay, well now I can, you know, I can use this against him. Even a second subconsciously, cause he did this or he did that. I

[00:45:41] Allison Bingham: [00:45:41] really wasn't thinking any of that,

[00:45:42] Colin Stuckert: [00:45:42] honestly.

[00:45:46] I know. But yeah, if you, if you analyze the source of that anger, I think it's usually about something else.

[00:45:53] Allison Bingham: [00:45:53] It was about consideration for me. That's what I felt like. And then I told you, I typed up that whole [00:46:00] thing and I let you read it. I just needed more time to process.

[00:46:03] Colin Stuckert: [00:46:03] Yeah, I get that. But I think the other point about.

[00:46:06] And you're being kind of ridiculous is that we already established that you're getting angry at somebody that's been late. They're going to keep being late, immediately, really dumb. That's that's the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But the other thing is, and this is their thing that gets to me.

[00:46:23] Sometimes I feel like you forget how I don't make a ton of mistakes. You do a lot of things. And therefore, I think things that set you off more. So when you probably should just give me a little bit of. Leeway, but it's like expecting people to not be people. Do you feel like I get mad at you a lot? Well, what I just thought about a second ago is you get mad at me, probably 10 to one for me getting mad at you.

[00:46:49] Allison Bingham: [00:46:49] And do you remember, uh, like the first year that Darra was born, how many times did you get mad at me versus me getting mad at you?

[00:46:57] Colin Stuckert: [00:46:57] Yeah, it might've been, it might've been flipped them, but I'm saying now that's what the numbers become. But at the same time I corrected myself. I fixed myself. I grow. I don't want to be mad.

[00:47:05] Like, so I think maybe that if we had to boil it down to a difference, I fundamentally don't want to experience negativity and anger. Like, like ever, like, I don't want to see the mask shit. I don't want to go into a store and have somebody talk to me and get pissed. I don't want to, maybe it's because I'm more sensitive to it.

[00:47:22] Maybe because younger, I was more angry. Like it's, it's kinda like an alcoholic. Like they don't even want to be, you can't be around alcohol. I don't want to be around anger negativity because I think. It's too

[00:47:33] Allison Bingham: [00:47:33] addictive. I agree. I think for me, sometimes I feel like I spent a lot of time early on in our relationship capping or bottling.

[00:47:43] If I got pissed off at something that you did, because if you were already mad, like I, cause I know, I know how you are. You're you're like me, but you're a male. You have way more testosterone. But you're like me how I was when I was in my early twenties. It's like, if you said something to me [00:48:00] that was like, whatever.

[00:48:01] You were coming at me about something. It didn't matter what you said. I was coming back

[00:48:05] Colin Stuckert: [00:48:05] at you, Tim. It also doesn't matter. Who's right or wrong. And I feel like the point that I have, it's like, you get what you put in. That's the thing about that, about anger that I feel like, and negativity that is very, uh, backward.

[00:48:17] It's like, you just, you literally make it worse. I don't know. You make it worse. You don't get less of the thing. You get more of the thing and you get all this negative side effects as a result.

[00:48:27] Allison Bingham: [00:48:27] I mean, yeah. I would say initially when I got mad, it was fine. But when you came back from the walk and we continued talking, all that stuff that happened afterwards was nothing that I wanted.

[00:48:37] And it was because I was still mad, but I think that's where you and I are different. Sometimes I just need to process a little, like, even if I'm still mad, I won't direct it or say anything to you or whatever. I just need a little bit of time to calm down, to like internally talk to myself and be like, this is not a big deal.

[00:48:53] Just chill out. And when you're trying to talk to me, it irritates me more because I can't have an internal dialogue. So then I just get more mad and I say, I just start saying other things, but I think sometimes it's because I feel like in the beginning of our relationship, I kept and didn't say, A lot of things, like I would moderate my response because I knew that it would not make your response any better.

[00:49:15] It would make it worse. And like I said, some with hormonally, something changed when I got pregnant with Rowan, because you would say, or do things and it would make me irate, like irrationally angry. And it was totally like a hormonal pregnancy thing, but I just was like, I'm going to express it. I didn't care if you reacted the way that you normally would.

[00:49:36] Like, I just kind of was like, I felt like it wasn't fair that I, that I always had to be like the more calm one. And that's not necessarily a fair response of mine either. You're right. I shouldn't continue to get mad.

[00:49:51] Colin Stuckert: [00:49:51] I also don't think it's just that I don't think the numbers are skewed just because you've like increased the frequency.

[00:49:56] You might, you might've done that a little bit, but it's, it's. [00:50:00] I think more by-product or at least dually of me decreasing my frequency and letting a lot of small things go that normally would have bothered me that I just have to just, I just made the decision that I don't fucking care about that.

[00:50:11] Allison Bingham: [00:50:11] That's very true. I also know for me, largely, it's also a hormonal thing because I get the severity of how angry I get, like how quickly I can get that. And actually how angry I get is very much how I felt in my early twenties. And when I was younger, like, I think I told you I used to get, so I was like, 10 years old or something.

[00:50:31] And I would be brushing my hair and I had this obsession with like, there could be no bumps in my ponytail, this like psychotic obsession. And if there would be any bumps in my, I would literally take the brush and I would chunk it at the mirror. Like I would get so mad. And I remember doing it one time and sitting there and thinking about how angry my dad would get in his temper.

[00:50:50] And I hated being around him when he was like that. It just made me feel super icky. And I was like, I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to do that. And so I have worked on that. It's like a. I don't know if it was a learned thing or if it's like a biological thing or whatever, but I worked on that really hard.

[00:51:05] And I would say around like early to mid twenties is when I really started getting like a handle on it

[00:51:12] Colin Stuckert: [00:51:12] because you have a growth mindset. It's just like with my dad, I have all the excuses in the world to be. Late to procrastinate, to like whatever, like to do drugs instead of take advantage of my assets.

[00:51:22] Right. But I responded differently. So yeah, that, you know, um, the, the response to environment is just, you have a lot of Americans that aren't respond to their fucking environment. Right. And you have, you have a merit and this is why I think our species going to diverge or have almost homosapien one point on 2.0, which we'll talk about in another episode.

[00:51:39] So this has been fun chat. February wants to listen to our therapy session then I'll I will,

[00:51:44] Allison Bingham: [00:51:44] well, I was going to say, we should end it with like a couple of things we think we're doing. Right. And then a couple of things we think we could work on collectively and maybe other couples can hone in on that.

[00:51:56] Yeah.

[00:51:57] Colin Stuckert: [00:51:57] I don't, I don't know. I mean, I just, I [00:52:00] think my, my advice is that like in right now I'm focused on helping men, but people just need to figure out what their truth is and they need to live it. That's the core thing. Everything else is going to break. Everything else will fail. It just will. You can't, you can't fit your, you can't fit a round hole into a round peg, into a square hole.

[00:52:20] You just can't. And we try to do it all the time. Please funds and family. We go to, we get degrees. We don't want to do professors. We don't want, because then our parents will be happy. Like it's unbelievably naive to think that that's going to do anything other than make you fucking miserable. So sanding the relationships.

[00:52:34] When you become an independent person that is in tune with who they are, you have a growth mindset. So you're, you're always working on yourself. You're not perfect, but if you're willing to work on yourself, then you can accomplish anything. And then you got to find somebody that is at least open to the idea that they may not be growth minded working on self-help or anything.

[00:52:51] But if you are, and you find somebody that is actively doesn't want to work for themselves, That shit ain't got to work. I'll tell you right, fucking now it's, it's just not going to work. You might as well just find someone else and don't have kids with that person, cause that's gonna make your life a living hell for who knows how many years?

[00:53:07] How

[00:53:07] Allison Bingham: [00:53:07] does actually, one thing I am very, very grateful for. I see so many people and I'm, I'm sure you're grateful this for this too. I see so many people post about how they want to parent one way. And their significant other wants to parent a completely different way. Like people literally arguing about doing it, cry, doing, cry it out, like letting their kids sleep in the bed with him, doing whatever.

[00:53:29] When it comes to parenting stuff, I feel like you and I align very much. And if you don't really know, then you let the default be to me and you might ask me questions and do whatever. But you, you trust my intuition.

[00:53:42] Colin Stuckert: [00:53:42] I, I don't, I would even say intuition, although that's obviously there's a mother, I trust that you did the research.

[00:53:49] And I think most of the shit can be resolved. The people went to source material. Instead of like, my grandpa did this or my mom did this, they say this, they want us to do this. It's like, yeah, I get it from men. [00:54:00] That's very naive. But there's women have a lot of bad ideas too, about how they should raise their parents, kids from their parents and from their upbringing, from their friends or whatever.

[00:54:07] If you go to the source material and you look at what nature has the first principles way of thinking, right? What does human biology, how do we evolve that directs everything. Go there, go to source material. Right. Do your own research, but the data speak for itself. And if you're two parents that are struggling with this, it's like you both should look at the data and discuss it, and it should be obvious as fuck about what you should and shouldn't do.

[00:54:31] Yeah, we're going to follow you

[00:54:35] Allison Bingham: [00:54:35] at the grass fed baby. And my website is grass fed, baby.co

[00:54:41] Colin Stuckert: [00:54:41] any parting words of wisdom on a scale of one to 10, how easy or hard is it to, how hard is it to be a partner with me?

[00:54:48] Sometimes

[00:54:48] Allison Bingham: [00:54:48] it's hard.

[00:54:49] Colin Stuckert: [00:54:49] I said on a scale of one to 10.

[00:54:51] Allison Bingham: [00:54:51] Oh, on a scale of one to 10. How hard? Yeah, I mean, most of the time, it's

[00:54:55] Colin Stuckert: [00:54:55] not most of the time what numbers and what numbers are sometimes.

[00:54:59] Allison Bingham: [00:54:59] Most of the time, it's like a one I feel like. And then sometimes it's well, a certain category. It's like a nine.

[00:55:10] Colin Stuckert: [00:55:10] Yeah. Maybe we'll talk about that on a later episode. But I would say it's like maybe a seven. In that it's like, it's

[00:55:17] Allison Bingham: [00:55:17] like a

[00:55:18] Colin Stuckert: [00:55:18] nine points. All right. Make sure you get on the better human newsletter over@collin.coach. And we'll see the next one. Oh, real quick. Get on the better human newsletter over@colin.coach.

[00:55:30] I share some of my fare content from around the web. Uh, something I improved each week. Something I struggle with a big idea in much more. It's also a place where you can get any podcasts or YouTube videos. It might've been put out there as well. Some of my favorite tweets from the week, head over to Kaunda coach to get the better human newsletter once a week, you're going to love it.

[00:55:47] I promise. Today's show is sponsored by wildfoods co real food, super foods from around the world and particularly the wild Coca Tropic, which is one of our flagship [00:56:00] products. So this is a coffee replacement and or booster. You can use it in the morning. If you're trying to reduce your caffeine intake or cycle coffee from time to time as I do, you can also use it the way I do, which when I'm having coffee.

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