Natalie's Abusive Relationship and How it Transformed Her

Today, Colin and Armando are joined by Natalie, who shared her incredible story of transformation after an abusive relationship. This episode is filled with heartwarming, inspiring bits of wisdom and advice that everybody can benefit from. Tune in now!

Today, Colin and Armando are joined by Natalie, who shared her incredible story of transformation after an abusive relationship. This episode is filled with heartwarming, inspiring bits of wisdom and advice that everybody can benefit from. Tune in now!

About Show:

  • 👨 The Better Human Podcast is a show dedicated to the pursuit of Building Better Humans. Hosted by Colin Stuckert, Entrepreneur, Thinker, and Better Human Builder.
  • 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 We are obsessed with finding ways to become better. We are PRO HUMAN and celebrate the collective human experience.
  • 📖 We bring on human guests to teach, share, and learn.

Support our work on Patreon - Help us Build Better Humans through Big Ideas and Better Thinking

Join Colin on YouTube:

Free Resources

The Almanack of Naval Ravikant: I own the Kindle version, a physical copy and the free PDF. It's that good.

Free Skillshare course access links (limited supply)

  1. ✒️ 50 Free access links to my new Skillshare course: Build Your CEO Morning Routine: Goal Setting, Thinking, Ideas, Deep Work
  2. 🤔 Free access to my Skillshare course: How To Think Faster: A Course on Making Better Decisions Quickly
  3. 🧠 The Productive Mind: How To Think About And Build Your Productivity Routine - 27 free slots left - use this link
  4. ☄️ Passion Entrepreneurship: How To Build A Business Around Purpose and Passion
  5. 📧 Email Marketing Foundations: How To Grow An Audience That Can't Wait To Open Your Emails. Free access link
  6. 🖥 The 5 Principles of Remote Work: How To Build The Perfect Productivity Routine
  7. 📷 Share How To Start a YouTube Channel With Your Phone... Today... Now... And Why You Should!

Copyright 2020 Colin Stuckert

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products and recommendations are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.


[00:00:00] welcome Natalie and Armando. We have here. Go ahead guys. Introduce yourselves. Hi, I'm Natalie.

[00:00:12] I'm a numerologist massage therapist and just kind of, exploring life and seeing where it takes me. You're a human right. And I was talking about aliens a second ago, so we're just making sure that you're a human sometimes. Sometimes I'm my human self. Yeah. Yeah. Armando. Yeah, no, I'm Armando.

[00:00:29] I'm I'll also human. And I do stand up comedy. Yeah. Yeah. I and I do a stand up comedy. Oh, I love this. This is awesome. Yeah. Natalie and Armando live in the same city, so maybe they can connect sometime. Yeah. You have a show. Let me know. I'm there. I love if we're not rushing out of here before then.

[00:00:49] Yeah. You mean rushing into the city

[00:00:54] as a whole? Yeah. Yeah. That's true. That's true. All right. So, as we were talking about before the show, we'd like to get to kind of a big transformation in your life, and we try to understand your mindset before, and maybe what some of the causes were, maybe what some of the environmental factors that led you to be in that place.

[00:01:11] And then we tried to understand, like, what was that spark? Cause you know how it's like Tony Robins says, like you can change in an instant, but like getting to that point where you finally changed, the instant could be years in the making, right? So like people think this idea of change has to be this constant thing, but it seems like generally change is usually very sudden, but th but it takes some major life stuff to get you to that sudden change.

[00:01:33] Right. So if I'm going to ask you like, what's one big transformation. I know it's hard to boil it down to one because I feel like every year myself I'm growing, but like, what's the big one that pops into your mind. Like I said, the first thing that comes to your mind is probably the best one.

[00:01:45] The biggest transformation was breaking self limiting belief systems. That's a huge, yeah. And it's like so many, right. Is this an in a specific kind of event that happened [00:02:00] or is this more of a general, like for the last 10 years? Cause we're trying to get to like maybe one big event or thing you overcame.

[00:02:06] It was a very specific event. Right. So why don't you tell us about that? Yeah, so I was in a very abusive relationship and I actually imagined it to be like this Prince charming, you know, damsel in distress, I'm going to be saved. I'm being taken away and you know, all my problems are going to get solved.

[00:02:25] But what people, including myself forget to realize is that problems travel. You know, they're on a one way ticket with you wherever you're going, but he can actually solve your problems. Right. It's always going to be over. It's always. Yeah. And that is actually the biggest part of that is the ownership and all of it.

[00:02:42] Like I could sit here and say he did this to me. He put me through this, but ultimately I made the choice to go with him. Yes. I made the choice to be there. And I also ultimately made the choice to get out of there. Not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, mentally, you know? And so that was my biggest catalyst.

[00:03:01] So if anything, he was the gift, you know, part of it. And so it was transformational. It was huge. It was chaotic, but I felt like it had to be broken down before I started to build back up. Yeah. Okay. So I'm gonna pause you. Yes. What I want to do is because we have limited time, because it sounds like the situation itself, we could probably talk for hours.

[00:03:25] Like you probably have so much data in your mind and like events and timelines, like let's give us a first succinct timeline, simplest way you can. Of like month one met this person, you know, did the typical like, Oh, I'm going to be saved. And like all the weird ideas about relationships we have. Right, right, right.

[00:03:44] And then you get then maybe a identifiable point of change would be like, when did that kind of fade off? And like, when did like the real person come out and like the routine set in and you know, those things that happen in all relationships where we put on our best behavior and then we kind of get comfortable [00:04:00] and then our real behavior comes out.

[00:04:01] Right. And then from there though, that the next step is how long did it take to kind of realize except in change to start the leaving process. Right. Cause we're talking about some that could have taken, I don't know, years months like run us through a quick timeline and then let's just kind of like maybe hone in on the different phases.

[00:04:18] Yeah. So, we work together. I was going to school for massage and I became a massage therapist. We worked with each other and. Graduated from school and I was ready to already move out of California. That was already in my mind. I was like, I'm going to get outta here. And he just happened to cross paths with me and we started coordinating a plan on how we would do better in another state, his home state.

[00:04:43] We ended up moving to Florida, you know? Are you in a relationship at this point? No. Oh, so this is just like a, let's go move it. Take adventurous friends. Yeah no, we were, we started developing a friendship. It eventually evolved into a relationship. Got it. Yeah. So we took it slow too. Like it wasn't like from day to night and then, you know, right.

[00:05:03] Because my family got to know him and everything and my friends, everybody, and everybody was sold. Like he was charming. This was a, like a Dr. Jekyll and Hyde moment. Like, it was very like, he was just charming and a lot of people call it a narcissist. I had heard the term, but I didn't want to, like, I didn't have that experience, you know?

[00:05:22] So, Moved across the country started my, I like ultimately the goal was for me to start my massage business out there and he was gonna help me, you know, he encouraged me and all this stuff, but in the meanwhile I had to take a national test to become a massage therapist, to get licensed in Florida, California doesn't require that.

[00:05:39] So my nerves were just, you know, through the roof. And so it took me a little bit of like, I want to say a little while to him, it seemed like forever, but it took me like three months to get my feet up and like, Get the ball rolling on the test. I got the test, you know, I started my massage business and in that [00:06:00] there was a lot of pressure from him.

[00:06:01] Like when are you going to level the F up? When are you going to, you know, like he started like completely flipping from what he had shown himself to be in California. And when I was out there, I didn't have a lot of friends or family. His friends were my friends, but there was a, again, there was like a very interesting dynamic where his friends didn't know him either.

[00:06:22] Like they had never seen that level of whatever he was, you know, so. My family was out here and there was also like a lot of fear in me about if I come back, what's my family going to think I'm going to be a disappointment again, I'm 35 or 34. I'm 35. You know, I don't have a career yet. I don't have all these things established.

[00:06:44] And so he was, he became my support system, but he was also my breakdown process. Yeah, no. Yeah. Well, it sounded like you definitely did form some kind of codependency in that. Oh yeah. So when you say he started becoming aggressive like he wanted you to make more money or he'd just be, he started, it became like a teacher students type of weird dynamic, like, so he's a very money-driven person.

[00:07:08] Like for him, money is everything status and money and relationships. If you're not at his level, then you're an embarrassment. So that's why he was like, when are you going to level up? But in public it was different because he would like. I was the arm on the ILA, the term on the arm, you know, like, Oh my God, she's very, you know, driven and determined and blah, blah, blah.

[00:07:28] But behind closed doors, it was like, when are you going to level the F up? When are you gonna, you know, like Jekyll and Hyde, I'm telling you so weird. And because I thought this man is smart with money, he is executive director of hospice, you know, like he's just like he was up there in his rank and he knew business well.

[00:07:48] So I thought maybe he's just really trying to push me to do better for myself. You know, I was starting to Gaslight myself. That was the story you were telling yourself. I was telling myself. So what but w okay, so [00:08:00] you said you started to think about going back to. Going back. So there had to have been some kind of inflection point where you're like happy and everything seems okay.

[00:08:08] And maybe you like, let a few comments go to, then it's like becoming too much. And you're like thinking about other options. And then how long did you stay in that state? So initially, like after the fourth month, there was something that happened that he, like, we got in a huge fight and he started packing up my stuff and he was saying like really horrible things.

[00:08:26] And my family was, they finally got like a glimpse of it and they were like, no you need to come back. And so I was like, my parents booked the U-Haul like I was ready to go, but there was something in me that still said, if you go back, you're going to be a disappointment again. So you can either stay here, tough it out and like, make yourself something, make something of yourself.

[00:08:48] Or you can go back like with your tail between your legs and just continue to be that thing that everybody expects you to be, which is a failure. Right. So how long, so what does that process look like? Big fight. You know, your parents are making plans. It's actually great. You have that support system because that's awesome that you have that.

[00:09:06] Right. But then you had some limiting blocks yourself to where you felt like you would regress if you left. Right. Because if you, I mean, you couldn't really move out of the place. Right. It sound like he was financially supporting you. Yeah. He was financially supporting me. Yeah. So at that time it wasn't like, Oh, I'll just get my own apartment.

[00:09:22] Like, that was kind of a hard. Yeah. And going back to the codependency, like, I didn't even want to it, like, imagine me getting my own apartment. Cause I didn't want to live by myself in a state where I had no friends or family. So that was like, my attachment was really strong. I was like, he's an abuser, but he's also my support system.

[00:09:41] Yeah. Psychological abuse. It sounds like too. Yeah, absolutely. So what happened after the fight? Like, like give us a timeline. So. He says he's going to get help. I believe it. So he starts apologizing and doing the typical, like I'll change. You're going to write a book for the typical, this [00:10:00] typical relationship.

[00:10:00] I followed everything, all of it down to the T. Absolutely. And then I stayed and you know what, I will say that it fueled me to get on the ball about passing the test. Cause shortly after I passed the national test, I landed a job. I landed a couple of jobs and I started like moving forward and I was like, okay, you know what?

[00:10:20] This is what it was. It was just a little pressure. It's a little heat in the kitchen. It's fine. I'm cooking now. But it started to happen again, like these patterns, these things and this, like, you're not, you know, this or you're not that, you know, how many women would kill a bee with me. And it's like great down.

[00:10:39] And eventually it got to a point where I believe these things. I was like, I'm just. I'm a sad excuse for him, like is this is just pathetic. Like it was bad. And so I was so broken, like it was so bad. I believe these things that I, and this is like pretty harsh to say, but like I, there was days where I would think like maybe today it will be the day that I die.

[00:11:05] Maybe today will be the day that I die and I would pray for it. I would be like, I'm so freaking cowardly that I couldn't do it. Like, I'm just hoping that the universe just dropped shoulder on me right now. And I would drive around, I would drive around and think, just think these thoughts. Yeah. And like, hope that something would happen to me because I just couldn't do it myself.

[00:11:28] Wow. That's so it was hard. Yeah. So yeah. What happened next, then you get to that point. That is, that, is that rock bottom or is it not rock bottom? It's not rock bottom. And I'll tell you why, because I felt so my low self, my self-esteem was so non-existent that I didn't really care anymore. What happened?

[00:11:46] Like I thought, you know what, whatever happens to me now, like that's what I deserve. But again, from that mentality of victim hood, like woe is me. This is happening to me. Life is happening to me. I have no, you know, role in this. No, that's like where the big [00:12:00] switches now, like I understand like what my role, how I made these choices, how I got myself there and how my, how I got myself out of there.

[00:12:08] But no, there was an event that happened where two of his childhood friends witnessed it and it was bordering on violent. Like he could have hurt me and he didn't because they were there and it was like the universe sped up. Like everything, like time just sped up. They were like, you're not going back to him.

[00:12:26] We're getting you the hell out of there. You're going back home. This isn't going to happen. Like you're not going to be one of those people that ends up on a Netflix special or Dateline or whatever, because that's what it sounded like. I had found out that he had bought a, like, he was trying to buy a gun, you know, like he was, there was a lot of other things, like when I moved out, when I finally got there and got my stuff, I found like gashes on the door from like knives.

[00:12:51] He had taken to the door. Like he's just very violent person, very violent. So, yeah. And had those people not pushed me out of the situation. I don't think I would've done it on my own. Yeah. I honestly don't intervention. Yeah, because it was divine intervention actually. And the way, the reason I say that is because.

[00:13:10] A couple of weeks prior to that situation, I had found myself like on the shower floor crying and saying, God, I don't have the strength to have the courage anymore. I need you to take the wheel. I need you to get me the hell out of here because I am so beat down that I can't do it myself. And I'm too cowardly, but I trust in you and I trust in the process.

[00:13:31] I know that you're going to figure out a way to get me out of here. Right. And then two weeks later this event, which seemed to be like chaotic. It was out in public. It was just bad, all around happens. But that was the catalyst, you know, but why was that any different from another time?

[00:13:49] Because I've heard of these events before multiple times people, I mean, you have women. That will be physically beaten and then make excuses as to why they misbehaved or [00:14:00] whatever. And like, you have like, obviously crazy extremes in this regard. And then you have everyone in between where you could tell yourself the story.

[00:14:07] Well, he didn't hit me or, you know, he stopped himself or whatever. Why was this time different in your mind? What were you telling yourself? I think it was that there was a knowing, like there was an inner knowing, like, and I know this sounds weird, but it was almost like an out-of-body experience.

[00:14:22] Like I had a feeling something big was coming. I didn't know what it wasn't just on my personal, like life in my personal life, I had a feeling that there was like a collective something happening. Like there was a shift that was coming like a wave. Like I was watching the tsunami come. I couldn't figure out where from, or what it was bringing.

[00:14:40] And so I think intuitively there was a lot of dynamics. It was my own personal intuition. Having asked for divine intervention and it being given to me like shortly after, and then also how quickly the people that were involved, coordinated and came together to get me the, and you just want to happen basically.

[00:14:59] Yeah. And I surrendered that was it. It was like a surrender. Do you think you would have, that would have been the same if those people weren't around you. Cause you would had to pack up your stuff. You would have had to like figure out a way to go here. You basically, would've done everything by yourself and maybe be able to start telling yourself stories about why, well he's just human and he means that.

[00:15:16] Yeah, absolutely. Right. No, I don't think I would have done it on my own, but it would just surrender to it. So it was still, it was a decision, but it was more of a passive decision than like an active one where you're like, I got to get out of here, get my stuff, leave fast. Yeah. Like it was adrenaline. Like adrenaline was really pushing me, you know?

[00:15:31] Cause I felt like if I stopped to think if I stopped one minute to think, yeah, I would second guess I would pull myself out of there. Absolutely. So did you leave immediately and have you seen him since. It took, I went into hiding for about two and a half. Yeah, my friend. Yeah. Because like to I actually had to hide out at a friend's house about an hour away in St.

[00:15:58] Augustine. [00:16:00] So I had to hide out there for  two and a half weeks. Cause that's my favorite beach. Oh yeah. Oh my God. I love seeing what I've seen. Yeah. What is the hideout? And no, it's. It's interesting because in that time, my family had already witnessed me cry Wolf once. So there were like, you're not coming home.

[00:16:22] We have a feeling that you're going to work things out with him. So you got to, we're going to figure you out later because they have their own stuff going on. Yeah, of course. So I was scared. I was terrified because I hadn't told them the extreme, like the extremity of where this had breached yeah. Abuse and the violence and all that.

[00:16:40] Yeah. And so I was hiding out for two weeks and during those two weeks, I will say like, my body started to do some really up stuff. Like I would fall asleep. Like I couldn't fall asleep. Cause I was terrified that he would be there or when I would fall asleep, I'd be terrified to wake up and see him standing there.

[00:17:01] So my body would jolt. I would lose sleep. I would, you know, I had like some major PTSD physical PTSD, like triggers. And then that's all the stuff that I had to unpack. Like there is a lot that I had to leave behind, but coming back to California, I didn't realize how much emotional baggage I had to unpack, even though I had very little to impact tangibly know.

[00:17:24] So let's now let's not focus on the transformation. Yeah. Okay. So, you know, you're heading out , you're not going to just like wake up the next day or the next even two weeks and just like be a new person. And you shared in clubhouse when we met kind of some other transformations you went through like, you know, that was the 2020 transformation.

[00:17:42] So like you got to a place that it sounds like you have this growth mindset and. It sounds like the person you're describing then is not the person I'm talking to right now. That's kind of what that's kind of what I'm getting at. So let's, this was obviously a big event in your life. Run us through what that [00:18:00] looks like from a healing and growth perspective.

[00:18:02] How did your mindset shift like, and maybe you can even identify something that happened or decision you made or way of thinking or a timeline to where you kind of went from like victim hood to just like empowerment. Yeah. So when I got here, I was like, I realized the physical stuff, like the, not being able to sleep my body jolting, the nerves and the shakiness and all that.

[00:18:23] So I was like, you know what, I gotta do something to control my breath. So I started doing. Wim Hoff's breathwork like right off the bat, like, it was almost instant. Like, I think I had been here for like a week and a half and I realized that my breathing was erratic and like, I was getting these panic attacks and I was like, I got to control this.

[00:18:41] I got to figure this out. I started doing breath work, Wim, Hoff. And then I started doing meditation because I knew that I had to reprogram the wiring in my brain. Right. But it's weird because I didn't know about all these other things. Like, I'm just kinda like a wheat kind of person. Like I don't read manuals.

[00:19:01] I'm more hands-on. So I'm like, I'm just going to put these things to practice. So I started doing Wim Hoff. I started doing meditation. I started creating a new pattern. So that I broke the other patterns of trauma and all this stuff. Right.  And then I started eating better too, because I was like that, this has to be like, obviously I know that what you put in your body makes you know, it helps you feel better and if you feel better than you're doing better.

[00:19:27] Yep. Totally. So I started doing a lot of meditation and it felt lonely because I couldn't, I didn't have anybody again, to like lean on and say, am I doing this right? So that was also part of the transformation breaking away from what I was used to, which was being codependent on someone like majorly dependent.

[00:19:44] And now I'm doing things on my own and not asking for help deliberately, so that I'm empowering myself. So that was also part of the empowerment and the process. Right. Making sure that I'm doing this first on my own. Without having to ask for help. And [00:20:00] that's huge because you're, you know, you're taking complete control over like, you know, not, you can't even say pass or fail, but like whether I do this right or not, I'm going to take the steps forward to make sure that I'm trying to do this.

[00:20:13] And I'm in this own journey with myself to, to figure it out, you know? And a lot of people don't do that. Like, people are scared of, you know, with simple things like starting. A website, a pot, whatever. They're like, I don't care. I don't have enough. That's what I want to ask for information.

[00:20:28]Yeah. Yeah. I want to ask about that because most people alive today, and I've been thinking about this a lot. Like most people live today, have the intelligence to do anything. like they see people on TV that are successful that are this or that. And like, most people could do the same thing.

[00:20:43] Right. They know what they need to do generally too. Like it's no secret that athletes train a certain way. You eat a certain way. You have a certain body. Like if you want six-pack abs like you can do like go to the gym or do some stuff outside. This is not like secret knowledge, right.

[00:20:56] Yet. Why are so few people taking action? And this is now actually, why I've rebranded the name of the podcast of better human. I used to focus more on health and nutrition, and I felt like it became an echo chamber because I'm telling people information that they probably already know or get. But what are they doing?

[00:21:10] Are they doing anything? And it felt just almost a waste of time because such a small percent of people actually take information and take action in their life. So anytime I hear somebody saying they started like something like meditation, or like eating healthy and exercise, these are things that require a long time preference because you can't meditate one day and then like wake up tomorrow and be a new person.

[00:21:28] You can't go to the gym once or eat one healthy meal and wake up tomorrow. You have to have a time preference that extends it out for long enough. And there has to be some kind of mechanism to get you there if you've never done that. Right. And so some people are naturally longer time partments than others.

[00:21:43] Myself is one of those. Like I just work out, I've always have, and I've seen friends that kind of walks away with it over the years. And I'm always like why, how can I help them? How can I help them? And it's, for me, it's always something in the mind. So I want to understand what you were thinking as you're doing these things.

[00:21:56] Like you sort of meditation, you started a breathing technique. Like that's not, that's [00:22:00] kind of esoteric about people don't even know about that. Was there a certain reinforcements where. You like felt better immediately and like, you gotta, you got like a good feedback loop or was it just like, I don't know what else to do.

[00:22:10] And I'm just gonna kind of commit to this blindly for 60 days. Like, what was the point that you got to where it's stuck? Because like they say what habits, when it sticks, then it becomes way easier to do. And it just it's likely you'll do something for a long time. Right. So is there something that helped you or w what was the mechanism for you that kept you doing it?

[00:22:28] They kept me doing it. Honestly, the app, the Wim Hoff app gives you like a, like, yeah, you extend like your time. You're like, there's gamification. Right? You got kind of got you into it. Yeah. Cause I was like, Oh, you know what? I can hold. It's not even holding your breath, but exhaling. And like being able to sustain that, like I was up to three minutes and 33 seconds, which for me was like, that's awesome.

[00:22:52] Well, one that's like an angel number, right? Like a lot of people talk about angel numbers, but I was like, Holy hell. Like, I didn't know. I could do that. So that visual and knowing that I'm the one who did the work and did it repeatedly. And I had this goal, even though it was a goal that not a lot of people would think like, Oh my God, huge achievement.

[00:23:12] But for me as somebody who's working from scratch all over again, you know, after clean slating it. That was a huge accomplishment. And I was like, you know, what, if I can do this, I'm sure that I can do a lot more other things, you know? And I started that. And so , that was empowering. I couldn't even do the cold showers.

[00:23:30] I'm going to be honest. I didn't know. I couldn't do the cold showers either, but I do for us. I just don't like the worst. Yeah. Sorry, but I love you. The hyperventilating you get into, when it hits you, you're like it's rough. It's rough. But here's the thing though, when I go out camping or hiking or any of that, I love to go into lakes and rivers, even if they're freezing cold because I, but it's like a once and done deal.

[00:23:54] Like I'm like, yeah, that's gotta be something primal though. Like being out in nature, there's something [00:24:00] about turning on your shower when it's on cold. And you're like, I hate that. Well, there's also the conditioning that for your whole life, you've like stuck your finger in the shower to see if it's hot enough.

[00:24:10] You can control it. Right. It's just like, it's like your brain. I mean, if you think about it, habits are wired through synaptic connections. Okay. And so two things here, if your brain is just by default, it does a shower certain way, like to do the shower, the opposite way, which is literally the opposite way you're going to cleanse earth.

[00:24:29] Like your body's like what's going on here. Okay. So that's one thing to, for Natalie the lesson here. As you were able to find a very small micro goal, and that became a feedback loop for you. Okay. Feedback loops are extremely important. Now, most people, they need some kind of feedback loop because they don't have a long time purpose.

[00:24:49] They don't like, they can't think long-term, and that's just a human thing. Like this is nature. Like we had to go out and find food and eat it immediately. We didn't have like food preservation or whatever. And, you know, w nature program does to do things to kind of have an immediate reward and then for it to go away and then we have to go get it again, right?

[00:25:03] Like that's the cycle of nature. Whereas our environment today, we can control everything. And so the hot and cold water is actually a good example of that. But you were able to find a small goal maybe by accident that empowered you. Right because you're like, I did that. Wow. And then it's rewiring not only the habit of the breathing and you're getting more into that, but it's rewiring how you think about progress.

[00:25:23] Right. And how you think about your feedback loops. And maybe I can like do this with something else. And then, so you probably did with other things, maybe meditation, maybe it was like maybe meditation is like a time thing or whatever, and you may be tracked it maybe food and fitness. Like you can obviously quantify these things and everyone's different.

[00:25:37] Some people need like little feet, little loops. Some people get high off like the actual workout. Like for some people it's a fear of like, they don't ever want to be overweight again, or they don't, they want to be, they don't wanna be unhealthy. You know, like most of it's the combination of that. And this is why it's always so fascinating to go into these stores.

[00:25:51] Cause like, I always want to hear what are the different mechanisms for people and then try to converge on like some of the, you know, first principles. And one of them is having [00:26:00] very small goals, like people that create big goals like, and they don't really connect it to daily actions. It's just pie in the sky dream.

[00:26:07] Like, you know, that's why they say put your shoes and your workout clothes. Out the night before. And you're like 10 times more likely to go to the gym because you don't have to make a decision about like what to wear or whatever, like little things like that. Or doing like one push-up a day. And then if you do 10, that's great.

[00:26:20] But your goal is one. So you can always do one, right. Or go to the gym for two minutes when you're really tired. If you just go there and show up, you'll probably do a 30 to 40 minute workout having to couple works every time. And so I've actually trained my biology so that if I eat a really big meal, I'll have a cheat meal and I'm just not feeling great for me.

[00:26:35] That's a cue to go workout. It's not cause like I'm like trying to work off shame. It's like, I know my digestion will improve. I know my stomach will feel better afterwards. And I will actually help mitigate some of the damaging effects of the food I just ate. So it's not like, not even a thought for me.

[00:26:48] I don't like struggle with myself. So I work out, Oh my gosh, like go far beyond that kind of that victim narrative and that self conflict narrative. And it's just like, don't feel good workout. And then every time I work out, I have more energy and I feel better afterwards. And so then I further reinforced the connections in my brain.

[00:27:04] Cause now I feel better after I do that. Exactly. You've gotten yourself to that point from that , when you were in the trenches essentially of like, all right, show up, , and now that I'm here, then I'll probably do some, if , that first like actionable step that gets you to the, what you're saying, it connects that pie in the sky goal, where you go, I'm going to show up to the gym.

[00:27:24] My big goal is health, fitness, whatever, and have a good habit of working out. But got to take those actionable steps to get you there. And that's the most, well, it's also called the action. I call it the extra muscle. So that's also the time that you don't want to do something. This is another kind of curiosity I've built into my brain when you really don't want to do something.

[00:27:42] If you do it, you win 10 X. Why? Because you've now taken the muscle of like the kind of the pitching muscle, the complaining muscle. You strengthen that muscle to action, right. Instead of letting that get stronger every time you don't take action, when you don't want to, the muscle gets stronger. Yeah, right.

[00:27:59] Every time [00:28:00] you take action, when you don't want to, the action muscle gets stronger. Right. And so like, if you just think about literally, like, I imagine like a bicep on one hand, like action, muscle, like weak ass, not extra muscle. Like I always want to shrink them. The one that gets me there, you know, and like all of goal setting accomplishment and everything.

[00:28:16] It's always about figuring out how to have a bias for action and to do it and to be consistent, nothing else matters. It's not about intelligence. It's like, like it's not secret information. It's just literally showing up longer, like successful people show up longer and more consistently than people that aren't successful and people that aren't successful.

[00:28:35] They just quit too soon. Like, this is just as simple as that. They just quit too soon on whatever they want to achieve. And it's like sometimes taking that actionable step. Cause a lot of times, you know, taking action, isn't just not taking action. Like, Oh, I just didn't do that thing today. You know, what happens at that time when you don't take action?

[00:28:52] A lot of us get into like these. Yeah. It can actually have like a downward spiral into other things and bad behaviors and more lazy. Exactly. And that's where it's more of like a mental muscle, right. It's like a, an action versus an action, like an action bias muscle. Like when you strengthen that muscle better things happen.

[00:29:07] It's saying yes to opportunities, even when you're kind of afraid. Like the more you say yes to things that make you afraid, the easier it gets and the more things that happen in an exponential your life, just like, like come close, right? Yeah. The time you took to do the breathing exercises, you know, you could have been sulking about the loss that you had, where you were like, well, I'm going to fill something.

[00:29:29] You know, w fill that time with something positive, something that's, you know, I mean, you're just doing, you're just growing exponentially. It's amazing. So it's interesting you bring that up because the other things I could have been doing, so one thing I did when I got, well, several things that I did, but one of the main things that I did was I got rid of stuff.

[00:29:49] Cause I still came back with some stuff and I was like, you know what? I'm only going to have in my room, what I need all this extra stuff. So I started selling [00:30:00] things to get money, to get myself like I'm a dresser drawer so I could put my clothes. Yeah. And there, so they wouldn't be on the floor. The shoe rack.

[00:30:08] So my shoes could be somewhere. Instead of being sprawled out all over the floor, I sold my television because I'm like, it's a crack box. I don't need distractions. I need to focus on myself, sold the television, got money to be able to buy myself some groceries, like things like that. And I was like, almost I created my own little survival mode.

[00:30:27] Yeah. Even though I had my family who was able to help me and support me if I needed, but they were like, why are you going into solitude after what's happened? And I said, because this is what I need. I need solitude. I need no distractions and I need rehab. Okay. This pandemic that's when we talk, when you, I believe that's what you heard in clubhouses that I was talking about how 20, 20, a lot of people see it as like this.

[00:30:52] Horrible thing. And yes, it can be perceived that way. But for me personally, I saw it as rehab because it was a form of detox. I needed to purge out all the shit that I, you know, sorry, can I say shit? I just said, yeah,

[00:31:08] all this shit that I was, you know, still carrying like the dead weight and that wasn't going to be conducive to my growth. So I was like, I got to start shedding pounds. That was my mentality. So my TV cell, my distractions only have the books that I want to read. Only do the things that I really want to do.

[00:31:23] And if I'm bored, guess what? I have things that I really want to do or invest my time in that are going to be conducive to my growth. And so I got rid of a lot of stuff and that's when my family was like, why are you sitting in a box? And it's like, because this is what I need right now for myself. This is one pack there.

[00:31:44] Yeah. Well, it could have been bad. I think it depends on, it sounds like you were pretty self-aware that you knew that's what you needed. Yeah. There's like for a lot of people sitting in a room, right. It's like probably not good for them. Right, right. So you also altered your environment quite a bit. So what was the impetus for that?

[00:31:59] Like a lot of people don't [00:32:00] even consider that's actually a very important concept because humans, I mean really any organism adapts to its environment, you become your environment, you become the things you let in your life. You become the people you're around the ideas that you think about the content you consume.

[00:32:12] Right. It's just huge. And if you think, if you look at modern society, most people are just consumers of things passively that like show up in front of their eyeballs or their ears. They're not consciously controlling things. Right. And it's crazy. Like that's why most people on their devices, they are the product and the device himself is using them.

[00:32:31] So why did you think to Control your environment that way. And also, why did you think he needed to be alone? Like, what is that like? Are you more. Is that because you know, your personality more like, cause you're also selling a social person at the same time. So I'm a slightly skilled introvert. That's a funny thing because I learned ambivert isolation after intense bouts of extroversion, you got to go back retreat and then you come out of your shell, then you go back.

[00:32:58] Yep. Contraction expansion. Yeah, absolutely. So for me, I know it was interesting cause I was taking like a sort of leap of faith because I knew that I was scared of being alone, you know? Cause I have been so co-dependent on my ex partner, but I was like, you know what? I've been doing this fricking thing for how many years now?

[00:33:19] And it hasn't yielded results. It hasn't yielded positive results. So I'm going to do the opposite. I'm going to do completely different. And it has to give me a new outcome, right? Like assessing, like if I'm doing the same thing over and over, isn't that like the definition of insanity? Well, it's expecting a different result.

[00:33:39] Expecting a different result. And so I thought, you know what? I'm just going to like crumble this whole thing up, out the window. I need to be alone. I want to see what I'm like alone. I need to know myself alone without partnership, without influences. And that's why I stripped away my environment. I was like, and also just me personally, I just think [00:34:00] television is horrible.

[00:34:00] It's just, it's horrible. It's garbage, you know, it's approach it's programming because that's what they're doing. They're programming you. So I'm like, you know what? I need to deprogram. I need to unplug, I am done. Like, it was a moment where I was just like, this is it. This is it. And that's why I think we talked about earlier.

[00:34:17] Like, there's like this thing that happens, it's like instant change or like something that just catapults you. It was that like the knowing that I was just so fed up with it and tired of the same results, because I've been doing the same thing and those results weren't, they weren't just gonna, they weren't gonna help me grow anymore.

[00:34:36] It was it was outdated, you know, I need to like to report a new plan and that was it. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. So this I think we're getting a fuzzy picture of the timeline. So 2020, obviously you had, you know, it helps you do some other things and maybe it was part of the catalog catalyst for your growth and whatever.

[00:34:52]Explain to us now, as we close out, what is it like for you now? And have you, do you find yourself? I don't know, leaning towards some of those old habits, like do some of those old thoughts, like pop their ugly head in every so often, you know, are you like finding certain guys you're attracted to, you know, you shouldn't be like, Oh yeah.

[00:35:15] Which is funny because now there's like this sort of like, I don't want to say, like, I don't know if it's confidence or what it is, but I have a very. And it's not like I have a checklist that you guys need to meet before you even consider you. It's more like, look, the way I see it now is like, if I'm in a relationship with five I'm in a partnership, that's time invested into this person.

[00:35:36] That's going to take time away from me. And really right now, I'm in a place in my life in this moment that I want it to be about me. I want to invest in myself because I want to show up 100% and full and complete to a relationship. Because the other thing that happens is people go into relationships, thinking I want this person to complete me.

[00:35:55] This is going to be my better half that noise. I am my whole everything. [00:36:00] Like I'm not coming in, half-ass on anything. And it's not fair for the person who would be in this partnership with me to have to take responsibility for my own crap. Like, does that make sense? Yeah. You just check every box of like the correct, you know, it's like, you know, you don't really look into that.

[00:36:19] You know, it's not up to the other person to reparent you or to do this or do that. And you know, you're taking a deliberate action. It's like, you know, Collin brought up cheat meals. It's like with people who are on a long-term health journey and they're trying to regain their health much like a relationship, most like anything else you achieve meal for you to not downward spiral has to be a deliberate thing.

[00:36:41]And for you to take this time deliberately to go, no there's times for me. It's okay. Yeah. Being selfish like this time is for me, whether I, you don't want to go do something on my own you know, grow in this it's this time for you. And it's going to feel that much better because you made, you know, you put up that boundary, you put up, you took this time deliberately and made the choice.

[00:37:02] You know, it's about living like really intentionally and make it, you know, let me push back a little bit though. Let me play devil's advocate because, so, so I've heard this a lot and obviously my perspective is a male perspective your perspective as a female perspective, and it sounds like.

[00:37:19] And it feels like that the female perspective, you have to be more sensitive to this because it's easier to maybe get lost in someone else, you know, for lack of another word, or it's easier to become like too enamored or invested or whatever, but I've seen guys that can do this too. Like, I don't think it's, I think it's agnostic to sex.

[00:37:37] I mean, you see the, you know, when you're, especially when you're younger, like your early twenties in high school, you know, there's friends that disappear when they get a girlfriend or boyfriend

[00:37:47] and then the second it implodes they're available all the time in the world free tonight. Yeah. So it's like that's my preference. Disclaimer, I should say. Yeah. Yeah. But there [00:38:00] was a quote I heard recently that was, if you want a happy relationship, you need to happy people.

[00:38:04] Yeah. And so I'm almost thinking like, as I was thinking about that, if you want a functional, confident, like well-balanced relationship, you need to confident well-balanced, you know, independent minded people, right? Like you, you literally are going to, you need to equal, equal, at least in the big principles.

[00:38:21] Like you don't have to have the same interests or whatever, but you have to have the same kind of core foundational principles and constitution as a human, like to have a good relationship. Because if you don't that one of those humans that is suffering from the things to try to work through it, they're going to project it and offload it onto the other person.

[00:38:37] There's almost no way to avoid doing it. The way this person responds is like, who knows? Some people do better with this. Some people do worse. Maybe it turns into code pennant thing. Maybe it turns to some weird power struggle. So, I mean, you have a pretty good head on your shoulders, Natalie. I would say.

[00:38:53] And I guess I would just, I don't even know if this is advice or a question or maybe something to explore. I found that if you are brutally honest with people up front, Like, if you were just saying, Hey, listen, I'm an independent person. I need my time and space. I'm not the type that's going to be available every day.

[00:39:11] I'm not gonna be texting my phone every day. Like I'm gonna live my life some days I might not text you back for a couple hours. Like if you basically set a precedent for the way you are and what they can expect, I found that most people, even if they're not really great at all those things, or even necessarily like, like them, they will be able to at least adapt to them and kind of respect them from the get go.

[00:39:27] It's just like they say, communication is everything. Communication is everything. Cause you're usually just trying to tell people what to expect. So they're not like letting their imagination go wild. Like, why are you texting me back? Oh my gosh, I haven't heard from a day. Do they not like me anymore? Or they have it or they're having big orgies somewhere else.

[00:39:42] Like what's going on like crazy things. Our brains go to like the amount of things that the human brain can make up when it comes to romantic relationships, it's like insanity. Right? It's insane. We're literally insane. That's why they say like, you're kind of crazy to be in love or whatever. Yep. So I guess my [00:40:00] question or statement or whatever, and I'd like to hear a perspective is like, if you have a pretty solid grasp of what you're doing, and you're very upfront about that, and you're not out trying to find somebody to complete you and you communicate to other people that you're not going to complete them.

[00:40:15] Right. It might be hard to find the person, like, I'm not saying this is easy by any means. Like, you know, people are freezing your list down. You're just like, right. But I believe that we should almost want to try to keep people in our life. Cause like, if your long-term goals that like, let's say, have a family or be in a relationship or whatever, I just don't know if I buy the kind of.

[00:40:37] Technique where it's like all me alone then I'm, and then like one day I want a date and then I got to go through that whole rigamarole and I got to learn all these things and like do all these other things and like, there's this app and that app. And I just feel like it's a little bit too much of a black and white mindset.

[00:40:52] Right. I think we're better off trying to maybe learn more about ourselves and what we want and don't want by at least being like, at least having our foot in the pool a little bit. Right. So that's just, that's my thought on that. Yeah, I think there's a, there's always going to be like a happy middle ground for both people.

[00:41:11] But again, you have to have two very self-aware people who are willing to work with each other's differences and respect each other's differences and understand that you're not there to change one another. That's the thing. That's another thing that going into relationships, people have this expectation or attachment that, Oh, well, once they get to know me, or once I'm in their life, they're going to start changing or they're going to start becoming better, or you only have to become better for yourself.

[00:41:36] You know, I that's me, that's my personal opinion. Like I feel like you have to only have, you really have to become better for yourself because if you're doing it for other people, you start to grow resentment or, you know, all kinds of other things that develop under the surface, you know, and because we're human and we're perfectly flawed.

[00:41:54] We don't address a lot of these issues very directly. You know, there's a lot of like beating around the Bush. [00:42:00] So. It's always great. When you have two very self-aware people who can find a middle ground and understand that they're there as a partnership and not there to change each other. And that's what about you though?

[00:42:13] Because right. Oh man. Say it Khan spit it out.

[00:42:23] I guess it feels like if you feel when people say the F the line, I'm focusing on myself right now, it makes, what I hear is they're afraid they can't control themselves. Oh, I see what you mean. Okay. Yeah. I can see that. I could see that. And I, that if you get too much into that, and then like you try to re flip it, cause like, I like you.

[00:42:43] So a good friend of mine, Elsa, she's a dating coach and she's got people that they focused on their career for years to make all this money. And then they like want a family and they think they can just like, basically overnight, like go on some apps and like, they're going to find that. And they get very frustrated sometimes for long periods of time.

[00:42:56] And like, that's kind of tragic. Right. And like, I just feel like it's much better just like personal development is not like a once a year thing or once a month thing, or like it's literally daily, right? Like when you're really into person development growing, it's a daily process and you know that, you know, you really can't let up.

[00:43:12] Right. I feel like building a good, like sustainable relationship, especially in our traditional world with all the craziness that goes on and technology and everything. It's like, you want to kind of be like learning and leveling up consistently forever. Yeah. 50% divorce rate. And I mean, I have my opinions on monogamy.

[00:43:33] That's more of a personal discussion, but it's like, yeah, there's a lot of things that are making it hard. To really find like happily ever after in relationships. Right. At least just the way society does it. So I've just found that if you're and so here's another good thing I thought of. So we've all talked about this and ball ground with cotton.

[00:43:50] One of my favorite, living philosophers today, he said that you should be very selfish at the beginning of a relationship because then people know what to expect from you. Correct. So don't feel like, [00:44:00] like what I said, like selfish slash just being who you are. I don't have a negative connotation on that at all.

[00:44:05] Like if I was dating right now and I would say I'm an entrepreneur, I set my schedule. I'm not on my phone all day. And then you started expecting me to do those things. Like I wouldn't be talking to you anymore. Like, they're just kind of, it's a, it's an, it's a, what's the word? When you can't adjust it, it's like, deal breaker.

[00:44:23] Right. Right. So selfish, last deal breaker kind of same thing. Like you should be as selfish as possible with your preferences. So they know who you truly are so that you don't go through some fake honeymoon phase that wears off in three months, and then you fall into some toxic relationship, which happens all the time.

[00:44:38] So that's just my thought on that. Maybe you should get out there. Interesting. I like that because here's what I'll tell people. When I say this to people in friendships, not just like relationships, like intimate relationships, but, and this is what I had to do last year. And it was triggering for me, but then I realized it was triggering for me because I was trying to force people to change and see it my way is when people meet me or they want to develop a friendship or relationship or whatever it is, I tell them here's what is guaranteed.

[00:45:07] Okay. Right off the bat. Yep. I am always at one point in your life going to disappoint you, you cannot have expectations of me. If you have expectations of me, I guarantee that you will be disappointed. I promise you and people split and I'm like okay. That means that's you filtering out the gum basically.

[00:45:30] Okay. With that, because then I'm like, okay, you know what? It's not personal. It's not personal at all. It's just telling me that they're not at a level of awareness where they're willing to work with that. And that's okay. Because that's their journey too. If I were to sit here and be like, Oh, well, what a douchebag?

[00:45:44] No, that's me judging their journey. Yeah, but the capacity in which they can operate at that moment in their life. And that's not for me to judge or say so for you though. Yeah. Because it is who you are. Right. So again, if you kind of think about how you're trying to explain that you're explaining it [00:46:00] to a culture that is so self-absorbed and narcissistic that like the idea that anybody wouldn't be a right fit for us, how Darren reality is like 99 at a hundred people that you could date, or nine, 909, 900,000, whatever, like 999 of them are not going to be a match.

[00:46:19] It might even be, you might be sexually attracted to them or whatever, but it doesn't mean you're going to be in a good relationship. Just like a lot of people I meet in everyday life. I don't want to be friends with them. Like, I don't want to talk to them. Sorry. Is just the reality. I like people that are uplifting, big ideas, smile.

[00:46:34] I don't like, I don't watch sports. I don't go to bars. Like, there's just a certain demographic of people. I don't spend it attach it. I was like, you're still alpha male. I would think I'm like, no, I'm like, no, I'm like nerd alpha. Like that's exactly it like ideas. I was, it's funny that you mentioned that this morning.

[00:46:52] I was like, I was th there's a friend that I like, I get online with sometimes and I'll play like video games with them or whatever. Right. You know, like, you know, you know, hanging out and he'll always have like a game on, in the background so I can always hear it. And I tell them all, it's all like a sports game.

[00:47:06] Yeah. I'm like, bro, can you shut that off? He's like, I'm trying to get the, I'm trying to keep the the just scores bro. I'm like then muted. Have you been to people's houses where they, where you eat food or it's like a party and the TV is just like on his Moby's watching it. I go find their mountain muted.

[00:47:23] Like I go ultra my environment. Don't give a fuck. If I upset somebody, I will find the remote and I'll turn that shit off. I alter my environment to be really sneaky. I'll find the router I'll turn the fucking router off. They wouldn't know what happened. Like steal the AC adapter or something in that office episode where you just like shuts the power off.

[00:47:45] And he's like, yeah, this part is lame. Let's just go. No, I mean, dude, I'm a big believer in not wasting time or trying to alter your environment. And so many people just passively accept what's around them once the once, like the car conversation and the sports conference, I'm like. Yeah, [00:48:00] goodbye. I'm like, I don't care about these things.

[00:48:04] I will try to change the subject though. Like if somebody is like bitching or like to get into negativity, like I'll try to tell the subject, but if I can't, I will leave. Yeah. And that's an alpha male aspect where you were like, no, I have a fucking choice. Excuse me, I have a choice. You know, I, and I think that's what you know, that's something I learned in my, you know, my current relationship with my wife, where like, you know, the alpha aspect.

[00:48:31] Isn't, it's not something you'd like strive to call him an alpha male. You walk around that way, but you know, it truly is making your own choice, setting boundaries with other people and letting them know that you know, that they're not going to be able to, you know, when you can remove yourself from the situation or change the subject, that conversation, what have you.

[00:48:49] Well, it's also not it's not, you have a choice. Everything is your choice. You're right. My bad discounting. What you're saying, I'm expelling I'm clarifying because that people think I have a choice, which means by default, you sit passively by, until you get basically annoyed enough to choose. But correct.

[00:49:09] That's a choice to do that. If you're going to do that, I just don't make that choice. Like obviously some things are, some people I'm going to get somebody's house, you know, or whatever. I'd like to do everything I can to not be a nuisance and like not be loud and do things like that. But it's like, it's still okay.

[00:49:24] Oh, well we can obviously talk for a lot, Natalie. Yeah. Frequent guests. You bring great energy to us and you balance out the maleness here. Like, am I going to have to go out and day Khan told me that little nudge when I, well, at least it'll be fun to talk about like all the, you know, lots of content.

[00:49:46] Yeah. Yeah. You want to say something random? No, I was just gonna say like, you're totally right. You know, just like a quick ending point. When I met my wife, I wasn't like actively lag. Okay. Now it's relationship time. I [00:50:00] was like, I was already doing things. I had a routine when we started dating, she was in law school and we both set a precedent openly with each other where I was like, Hey, I might call you at three, four in the morning because I'm out doing comedy.

[00:50:14]And that's my schedule. And during the day I, I try to get my rest. And this is when I do this. And this is when I do that. And she was like, okay, cool. Cause this is my study time and this is my workout time. It was very much like. This is what I do. And you know, this is my schedule and this is what you're going to, this is what you're walking into.

[00:50:32] And that not only just like, Oh, this is this, I didn't just say, Oh, this is relationship time. I wasn't necessarily looking for one, but I wasn't necessarily not either, you know, it's just by happenstance, it's all happening at this happening at the same time. And then on top of that, being deliberate about like, this is what you're walking into, here's the expectation.

[00:50:54] Don't, you know, don't set them higher instead of lower. This is where it is right now. And it made things, it did make things a lot easier. There was less emotion tied to like, well, why aren't you texting me? And why aren't you? This, my, my opinion is that if that enters relationship yeah. On, in any kind of free with any kind of frequency that stays it's over.

[00:51:16] Yeah, absolutely. Like for every extra expectation you place on another person. Whether that's parents, children, friends, family, lovers, whatever, for every little expectation you place on them, you are eroding, trust and love. And even long-term sustainability of that relationship, every single one, right?

[00:51:35] Like you think about your family of things that have happened. And you know, like we get into arguments or fights or like some, you know, we hold onto resentment that even to this day, we can think back that event with, you know, a sister or brother or parent that we still haven't come to terms with. And it makes us short with them, or it makes us like easily tempered with them, which is kind of crazy.

[00:51:56] Cause it's like that thing that happened 10 years ago, now you [00:52:00] can annoy me like half the time someone else can, like, that's pretty fucked up if you think about it, right. We carry that shit around. And it's, I mean, we make ourselves suffer more than anybody really, but we also make the relationships suffer.

[00:52:12] And so like, I'm reading a book that everyone should read. It's the courage to be happy. I believe. And the author wrote a book. The curse would be disliked, which is one of my favorite books of all time. You've got to listen to an audible because they do a very good acting job, but he makes a comment in there where it's based on Adlerian psychology.

[00:52:28] And he talks about how the most highest form of respect you can give another human is to accept them completely and fully. Which if you think about it, what is the con, what is the definition of con of conditional and unconditional love? Right? Like unconditional. Nope. Almost nobody loves unconditionally.

[00:52:48] Like it, like, it's just very rare, right? Like there's always some expectation or whatever. Correct. And I'm not suggesting I'm going to be perfect at this, but you can definitely Spire to it. So for 2021, one of my goals, and I don't even like the word goal, but like one of my pursuits right now that I'm working on is to cultivate non-response.

[00:53:05] I want to have no response to my external environment that isn't chosen and run through my framework of. Like what makes sense here? Like does yelling at a guy in traffic make any sense? Does it increase my safety or my happiness? Nope. I don't do it except like, that's my idea of non-response. If somebody snaps at me or partner does this or does that, whatever is me responding negatively going to help no, make it worse, make myself worse.

[00:53:27] Right? Anything that disturbs my mental equanimity pretty much is not a good choice, but like, again we're, it's a scale. Like we're going to make some bad decisions. We're hopefully making more better. And I think another thing that we should all aspire to is with expectations, having zero expectations, right?

[00:53:42] Yeah. That doesn't mean they're not going to be there and they're going to well then, cause we're human, but the more you can push towards the zero end of the expectations spectrum to ha think about it, the happier you're going to be. Yeah. If you don't have expectations of people, when they do nice things for you, as Crosby did a friend of ours, she raised a thousand dollars for our house flooding recently on Venmo [00:54:00] people to send her a thousand bucks.

[00:54:01] Right. And we've been like bouncing around Airbnbs and everything. Right. And it's like, we ask her to do that. It's amazing. And we're certainly grateful for her. And it's like, if I had this expectation that cross all my friends should help me or do something. I would basically be setting myself up for suffering because there's no way anyone's going to live up to the expectation because I always find some reasons why they didn't live up to it.

[00:54:22] And this is more true than ever when it comes to your romantic partners, I'm like, it just, we take it to another degree. It's terrible. And you see parents do with kids too. And there's a lot of bad behaviors and bad parenting that come out as a result of that or trying to impress their friends or whatever.

[00:54:36] So zero expectations should be like one of those things that we all strive for. Right. And I think non-response to anything external should be something we strive. Four as well. Absolutely. I like that. So this has been a great chat, everybody. Now, people find you online. They can find me at power in numbers and that's power dot N dot numbers with the numbers zero, not the letter zero.

[00:55:00] Well, I will Jason, our editor. He'll find that and put the link there for one guest. I can't find that Natalie, we'd love to have you on more frequently. We need to do the live show every Wednesday. As of right now, it is our motto nine. You're welcome to hop in any time and chat and share some of your new dating experiences that you now are coming

[00:55:18] for that, it's funny because there's been a couple of people who've brought that up as of recently. So I'm like, this is the third time. So messages come in three and I'm like, ah, dammit, this is trying to tell me something here. Again, we're not telling you to get in a relationship or like there's no expectation other than to just make sure that if it's a, if it's an important part of your life, like anything else you're developing it, that's kind of the way to think about it.

[00:55:44] Oh, I like that. If it's important part of your life, you should be developing it. And as it comes to like the idea of finding the right mate, well, it's a fricking numbers game, right? That's why everyone has  relationships that like didn't work out before they may be fine. Hopefully find one, right? Like that's just, [00:56:00] it just seems like it's an hour or whatever.

[00:56:02] So this has been awesome. I got to go. I got a meeting, everybody. Thank you for this subscribe colin.coach, and then get on the better human newsletter over at conduct coach as well. And then follow Natalie and support her and send her DM, wishing her at a girl. Go get them. Thanks. Bye guys. Thanks guys.